I CANNOT COOK.

I cannot cook to save my life.

Family Consumer Science in 7^th grade was a FAIL. I paid someone to thread my needle every day. I possibly forgot to put the lid on the blender before I pushed blend. I sewed my locker catty upside down. All the stuffing fell out of my snowman. In other words, the teacher told me not to become a housewife.

When it comes to cooking at home, I fail epically. The other day I attempted to make brownies. It is really hard to get the brownies out of the pan, if you forgot to spray the pan beforehand with PAM. I tried making eggs. But, The Today Show was on. And I forgot about the eggs. Therefore the eggs were not yellow. The eggs were black. Microwave popcorn and I do not get along either. If I make microwave popcorn there is a 99% chance that I will burn it. I attempted to make chocolate chip cookies. They were as hard as rocks. 

My mother cannot cook either. We both on average set the fire alarm off at least three times a week. I think my problem is, I get so easily distracted. Honestly though, who wants to watch eggs cook?? Not me. If I set a timer to remind me when my food is done, the timer always goes off during the climax of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It is not like I can just stand up and finish cooking, I AM WATCHING A GOOD SHOW. That is why someone smart needs to invent something that will cook for me. All you Asians out there GET TO WORK.

Cooking is overrated. This is why I am adding a requirement to being a five. A five must be able to cook Italian food, Chinese food, Greek food, Fake-Mexican food, be a master of cleaning the kitchen, and be able to sew a button. If the five cannot make the food or sew the button, he has to be able to pay for the food, cleaning of the kitchen, and the sewing of the button. I really do not feel like I am asking a lot.

Next time your mother makes tuna surprise, look down at your plate and think, “It could be worse. Brooke could have made it.”

YOU ARE WELCOME.