Up until a week ago my house was averaging five campaign calls a night. Then something amazing happened. The caucuses ended. And I discovered how to effectively stop the campaign callers from calling my house. Behold a list of possible conversations ideas to rid campaign callers from your phone.
Beat the Child
Caller: I am calling on behalf of amazing (deranged), Rick Perry.
You: One second, let me go beat my child. (BACKGROUND NOISE IS YOU SCREAMING, TO ADD EFFECT GET YOUR DOG TO BARK CRAZILY)
Caller: (dial tone)
It works. I tried it with Rick Perry. Never received another call.
I Love My Lizard
Caller: I am calling on behalf of the revolutionary (ancient) Ron Paul.
You: One second let me go milk my lizard. (BACKGROUND NOISE IS YOU MAKING SLURPING NOISES)
Caller: (dial tone)
Not as effective as Beat the Child. But, it gets the job done.
I Have a lot of Feelings
Caller: I am calling on behalf of the great (lunatic) Rick Santorum.
You: (Recount the story of Gone with the Wind, but replace the lead girl or man, depending on your gender, with yourself. Do this in a modern sense. And be sure to be contemplating suicide. THAT IS CRUCIAL. Also The Titanic and Casablanca are also great movies for scaring away campaign callers.
Caller: I really do not know what to say.
I Have a lot of Feelings works really well. And is quite fun. Pretending to be a suicidal girl with a lot of emotions, who doesn’t want to do that??
Sadly, the caucuses are over. But, do not fret. The campaign callers will return. But, you have been armed with a powerful weapon. The weapon of surprise. YOUR WELCOME.
BTW: First 100 members of my blog are invited to all the parties when this blog gets famous.
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