Daytime TV :(

I had cold chicken nuggets at lunch today AGAIN. I would be more than happy to teach the lunch ladies how to use a microwave. I may be a horrible cook but I have mastered the art of punching the numbers into the microwave.

What is going on with daytime TV?? Seriously, ever since Oprah ended daytime TV has been going down the drain. The Dr. Oz Show replaced Oprah. OMG. That is like broccoli replacing chocolate cake. Oprah was an artist. The Dr. Oz Show is a flop. WHAT HAPPENED TO GOOD SOAP OPERAS?? General Hospital used to be amazing. Now it is turning into Kourtney and Kim take Miami.  

Thank God John Bachman is retiring from WHO-13. He is the most spray tanned man I have ever seen in my life. Maybe Ed Wilson should retire too. Ed Wilson needs to stop tanning and gelling his hair. He looks like Hugh Hefner on steroids.

KEEP CALM AND LOOK FOR FIVES.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

Mirror Pictures are Scary

Mirror pictures are the definition of lame. If you spend your free time in a bathroom taking pictures of yourself, it is time to get a hobby. Take up singing, jump rope, facebook creeping, hashtagging, and so much more. When I see your toilet in the background of your mirror picture, my respect for you goes out the window. Please save the world, one less mirror picture at a time.

I am not going to lie, I totally make fun of people doing mirror pictures. When I am in the mall, I love to do weird facial configurations and then call it “hot”. Or send pictures to my friends, of me doing an elaborate leg/arm/face pose (slightly resembling a spider) with the caption, “I am a angel”.

On top of all of that, if you have a Facebook Album entitled one of the following: “Pictures of Me”, “Me, Myself, and I”, or “(INSERT YOUR NAME) <3” Here is my advice, delete it. No one I wants to look at countless photos of mirror pictures. I would honestly rather watch PBS.

SAVE THE WORLD ONE LESS MIRROR PICTURE AT A TIME.  

YOU ARE WELCOME.

Untitled.

Behold, Untitled.

Why is the Redbox red?? I think they should invent a “Clearbox”. That way I can see the machine work. Imagine seeing the movie you chose go through the machine in a CLEAR BOX. I think it is brilliant.

Why is Chinese food so good? MSG FOR LIFE. MSG may cause cancer but, it makes Chinese food so good. It is totally worth the risk.  Fried rice is seriously the food of the gods. I could eat that all day. Those Asians are doing something right. I <3 Asians and their food.

What is the point of infomercials? To entertain me when nothing else good is on TV. Has anyone seen “Pajama Jeans”??? I am sorry but, if you are wearing pajamas that are supposed to look like jeans, you are redefining laziness.  

Guess who is not going to winter formal. THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE. I have better things to do. For example: go look for fives.

If you are just starting to read this blog, I have a feeling you do not know what a five is. It is not your average number. A five is the highest possible ranking for guys. I encourage you to read, “The Ranking System of Brooke”. You are about to be enlightened.

Am I the only one who thinks that Hermione Granger and Harry Potter should have gotten married; instead of Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley? Think about this: Harry and Hermione would have “power children”. Harry Potter’s bravery and Hermione Granger’s intelligence, their kids would be unstoppable. Voldemort would cry in a corner.

What is the point of medicine commercials?? Let’s just be honest. No one wants to see a Viagra commercial when they are sitting next to their parents on the couch. In fact, no one wants to see a Viagra commercial. The Cialis commercials are just as awkward. “Your ability to be reading when the moment is right”, the script writer needs to keep their opinions to themselves. That line just makes me feel awkward. On top of these crazy medicine commercials, the commercials spend half of the commercial telling me the side-effects or taking their “revolutionary drug”. If I hear a side effect such as, “Side effects include: back pain, headaches, trouble breathing, and constipation” I will never even think to use that medicine ever.   

Coming next Saturday, and every Saturday after is going to be a segment called, “SOLVING THE WORLDS PROBLEMS”. Get excited. 

YOU ARE WELCOME.

P.S. Please keep emailing questions to brooketheblogger@aol.com

Contact Update

If you have questions or tee-shirt ideas please email brooketheblogger@aol.com. New post later tonight. :)
Party on. YOU ARE WELCOME.

I CANNOT COOK.

I cannot cook to save my life.

Family Consumer Science in 7^th grade was a FAIL. I paid someone to thread my needle every day. I possibly forgot to put the lid on the blender before I pushed blend. I sewed my locker catty upside down. All the stuffing fell out of my snowman. In other words, the teacher told me not to become a housewife.

When it comes to cooking at home, I fail epically. The other day I attempted to make brownies. It is really hard to get the brownies out of the pan, if you forgot to spray the pan beforehand with PAM. I tried making eggs. But, The Today Show was on. And I forgot about the eggs. Therefore the eggs were not yellow. The eggs were black. Microwave popcorn and I do not get along either. If I make microwave popcorn there is a 99% chance that I will burn it. I attempted to make chocolate chip cookies. They were as hard as rocks. 

My mother cannot cook either. We both on average set the fire alarm off at least three times a week. I think my problem is, I get so easily distracted. Honestly though, who wants to watch eggs cook?? Not me. If I set a timer to remind me when my food is done, the timer always goes off during the climax of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It is not like I can just stand up and finish cooking, I AM WATCHING A GOOD SHOW. That is why someone smart needs to invent something that will cook for me. All you Asians out there GET TO WORK.

Cooking is overrated. This is why I am adding a requirement to being a five. A five must be able to cook Italian food, Chinese food, Greek food, Fake-Mexican food, be a master of cleaning the kitchen, and be able to sew a button. If the five cannot make the food or sew the button, he has to be able to pay for the food, cleaning of the kitchen, and the sewing of the button. I really do not feel like I am asking a lot.

Next time your mother makes tuna surprise, look down at your plate and think, “It could be worse. Brooke could have made it.”

YOU ARE WELCOME.

YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY!!!

IT IS YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY!!! A quick note, last night this blog hit 1,000 views!!!! WE DID IT EVERYONE! Google is noticing us now. If you ever read this blog, thank you.
 
QUESTION TIME. I seriously love doing this.

1. Who is your dream celebrity date and what would you rate them on your scale/ why? I would totally date Ryan Gosling. He is a four. For one reason, he is more attractive than me. :(

2. What is one thing you would love to say to someone in person but are too afraid to? I would love to walk around schools dances with a spray bottle of Holy Water spraying all the people grinding and reciting “ Jesus loves you” That would be awesome.

3. What's your opinion on naughty dancing at dances? I am going to restate what I said in a previous blog. Fives do not grind. They waltz, salsa, twist, moonwalk, hula, shuffle, disco, Macarena, hip-hop, and they have a mean pirouette. I think that sums up how I feel about naughty dancing.

4. What is the perfect comfort food for any Friday or Saturday night when you're at home watching romantic comedies? I like to incorporate all the food groups, to be healthy. Grains: Doritos Vegetables: Ketchup Fruit: Sparkling grape juice Meat: Whatever you can find at Costco Dairy: Nacho Cheese Doritos. Then you are prepared to stare at fives all night long. WHILE BEING HEALTHY.

 Keep emailing questions!! The shirts are in the works. I will post a final design soon. Follow me on twitter @BloggingBrooke!

KEEP CALM AND LOOK FOR FIVES. New post tomorrow.

YOU ARE WELCOME

P.S. Coffee shops are good to blog in. I am surrounded by fives.

Just Some Stuff...Wednesday

Tomorrow is YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY!! But today is Just Some Stuff...Wednesday. :(

There is a new email for my blog. It is brooketheblogger@aol.com. Please email your questions to that email now!

The " KEEP CALM AND LOOK FOR FIVES" shirt is in the works. If I get 27 people committed to purchasing a shirt then the price of the shirt will go down. I believe the cost of one shirt right now is $13.00. If you are interested please email my new email. Tomorrow I will have a link to the shirt.

Also Your Daily Dose of Brooke is on twitter! Follow me at BloggingBrooke!

I had a orange juice slushie today. IT IS TIME FOR THE LUNCH LADIES TO READ MY BLOG.
Dear NBC,

My TV schedule was totally messed up because of the State of the Union address. I do not want to hear about the "State of the Union" I want to hear about "The State of Biggest Loser Contestants".

Party on. Keep looking for fives. YOU ARE WELCOME.

IT IS OSCAR TIME!!!!!!

It is the most exciting time of the year. No, it is not Christmas. IT’S OSCAR TIME!! After the horrendous Golden Globes maybe some actual talent will win the Oscars. Everyone knows you have to pay the Hollywood Foreign Press to get a Golden Globe. Hollywood Foreign Press I AM ON TO YOU.

BEST PICTURE: This is really hard. So many great movies were nominated. Personally I adored The Help. Honestly, The Artist is going to win because, it is a “silent movie”. Silent movies are like watching your grandma clean her dentures, BORING. As long as The Descendents does not win, I will be able to sleep at night.

BEST ACTOR: Hands down, Brad Pitt. That guy is hot and the other nominees are not. A minor detail is Brad Pitt has talent; George Clooney just attracts all the ladies from the nursing home.

BEST ACTRESS: As much as I want Rooney Mara from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to win. Let’s just be honest Meryl Streep is going to win. She is seriously like Voldomort. Meryl Streep “kills” her competition.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Max von Sydow from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. He plays the most likable character in the movie. Who does not love Mr. Black? If you hated Mr. Black that would be like saying, “I hate Dumbledore”, NO ONE MESSES WITH DUMBLEDORE.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: OMG MELISSA MCCARTHY GOT NOMINATED FOR BRIDESMAIDS. She is incredible. If she does not win, I am going to cry. But, I think Octavia Spencer from The Help will win because, the Academy does not typically choose comedy. 

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM: Seriously, Kung Fu Panda 2 was nominated???? That is an insult to the other nominees. The winner will be Chico and Rita, because the rest of the movies nominated are like watching someone sharpen a pencil for four hours.

CINEMATOGRAPHY: The Artist, the people in the movie do not talk. Obviously, the camera must be doing something right. Honestly, the crew for The Artist should get an award. Can you imagine filming a silent movie. I would probably just watch my finger nails grow.

DIRECTOR: Martin Scorsese. HOW DID STEVEN SPIELBERG NOT GET NOMINATED??? What is the world coming to?? Maybe we are going to die in 2012. Better start stocking up on Doritos.

Those are my picks for the 2012 Oscars. I cannot wait to see what Angelina Jolie is going to wear. Can I just say that if I was at the Oscars I would NOT want to sit next to Angelina Jolie. Imagine how many pictures of her kids she carries around. Plus, I would look like a homeless person sitting next to her; I swear she has had work done.

Check back on Thursday for YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY!! Lots of questions this week! Keep looking for fives. YOU ARE WELCOME.

P.S. There is a template on my facebook page of a tee-shirt for this blog! It says on the front, “ Keep Calm and Look for Fives” If you are interested in getting a shirt please let me know by the end of this week. The more people who get shirts the cheaper it will be to order them!

  

A great place to find fives is at either Panera or Starbucks.  

LOOKING FOR FIVES

Who really wants to go to the Winter Formal? I would rather watch movies that make me feel better about looking for fives/being single. I really do not want to go to a dance surrounded by twos. That is my two cents.

I spend way too much time with Microsoft Word. I write at least three blogs a week. Then I have at least two essays a week. When I really think about it, I have a better relationship with Microsoft Word than I have with some of my friends. Microsoft Word, corrects me when I am wrong (in a nice way), it is always there for me, when I forget to save my work document recovery is there for me too, and when my sentences do not make sense Microsoft Word tells me I have a fragment problem. I really love Microsoft Word.

I think school lunches need to get themselves together. Come on, COLD CHICKEN NUGGETS?????? Ever had an orange juice slushie? I have. It is NOT as good as it sounds. Not at all. When I open a box lunch I expect an apple. NO. You get a lemon. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT A LEMON WITHOUT A KNIFE??? Have you ever tried to eat a lemon, like you eat an apple?? Didn’t think so.

Dear Obama, The presidential election is in November. Please stop calling my house. Or I will have to use Beat the Child. You do not need to start advertising while I am watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I assure you the people who watch Keeping up with the Kardashians are not people you want campaigning for you.

Grinding as defined by dictionary.com as: to wear, smooth, or sharpen by abrasion or friction. Basically, people want to go to dances and create friction. I would rather be looking for fives.  

Remember, KEEP CALM AND LOOK FOR FIVES. YOU ARE WELCOME.

WHERE IS THE SNOW?

I have been getting an influx of questions. You should all pat yourselves on the back. Go for it. Today may be Friday, but today is going to be YOU ASKED IT FRIDAY. After answering some questions I am just going to type and we will see what happens.

Why are commercials so annoying??? Fantastic question. I know exactly what you mean. I just saw an Obama political commercial. It is January. The election is in November. To get back on track, the reason why they are annoying is simple. No one I mean NO ONE wants to get up from their couch and buy the product being advertised right then and there. I sit on my couch, so I can become a television zombie. NOT A CONSUMER. The commercials that I really do not like are the T.V. show previews. They only make me procrastinate even more. I just saw an RV commercial. Seriously, I am watching Gossip Girl. I am completely positive that NO ONE watching Gossip Girl wants to buy a RV. We all are too busy looking for fives.

Are you more likely to buy a product if you are annoyed by the commercial? Sadly, yes. I cannot stand the Sham-WOW commercials. I possibly have 10 Sham-WOW’s though.  Oops.

There are some new dance policies at my school. Even though some may find the new dance policies “cramping their style”, it is the responsibility of the student body to show respect to our new dance policies. Let’s face it; there are other forms of dance.

On a side note, fives do not grind. They waltz, salsa, twist, moonwalk, hula, shuffle, disco, Macarena, hip-hop, and they have a mean pirouette.

Please continue to email me questions and topics to blog about! And remember, keep calm and look for fives. YOU ARE WELCOME.

P.S. I want snow. And fives. 

YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY.

IT IS YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY! The following are questions asked by you and my expert opinion.

After how long in a relationship is it okay to fart in front of them?  Start from day one. Your “person of interest” needs to realize what he is getting into. If you have to fart, just because you are around your “person of interest”, DOES NOT mean you should be uncomfortable. FART AWAY. And if this “person of interest” smells something act completely oblivious. “It is just the wind”.

Do you consider the saying "You have a huge butt" a compliment or an insult? Total compliment. Embrace the butt. Who wants a scrawny bare butt?? Possible conversation: “You have a big butt.” YOUR RESPONSE: “You are just jealous. “ And believe me, they are.

If you were to have a catch phrase, what would it be?  My catchphrase: “He is such a five.”

What is the meaning of life? Keep calm and look for fives.

If you have questions please EMAIL ME. If you talk to me I will not remember. I have the memory of a 80 year-old. I do not even know what I am typing right now.

Rick Perry suspended his campaign today. It was because people were using the Beat the Child, I Love my Lizard, and I have a lot of Feelings when his campaign callers were calling. IT WORKS PEOPLE. 

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

Update

I AM SO SORRY. I WILL BE BACK TO MY NORMAL BLOGGING SCHEDULE ON THURSDAY. YOUR QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED. AND I WILL BEGIN THREE REGULAR UPDATES A WEEK. SORRY EVERYONE. Stay gold Ponyboys/girls. You are welcome. 

I just want to add one thing. The Golden Globes Sunday were horrific. Seriously how did The Descendents win Best Picture?? I went to that movie. I was the youngest person in the theater. No joke. The entire nursing home showed up. Apparently, grandmas have the hots for George Cloony. Finally, a quick modification to The Ranking System of Brooke, if you are a 5 then your "man" must be able to cook. I do not want to be standing in the kitchen making a sandwich, I want a 5 tirelessly laboring away at my sandwich. So I can look good for the Christmas card.