Magic Mike in 3D

I had a revelation yesterday. I am going to marry a Men’s Olympic Swimmer.

I would highly recommend watching the Men’s Swimming Olympic Trials.

O MY GOSH. I don’t really care about the swimming. I am just looking at their muscles. There are no words to describe how ripped a Men’s Olympic swimmer is. No words.

I need to figure out where these guys train. I am totally moving there.

It is way too hot out. TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE 100 DEGREES. THAT IS NOT NATURAL. I play tennis during the day and it is way TOO hot for me to function. Literally and figuratively.

I am probably going too faint on the spot when Magic Mike starts. I don’t understand why Magic Mike is not in 3D. FOR REAL??????? Just think how great it would be if Magic Mike was in 3D. I would be like petting the air, whenever Channing Tatum takes his shirt off. It would be fantastic.

My parents have had their iPhones for four months now.

Total number of songs on my Dad’s iPod: 0.

He doesn't understand the concept of iTunes.

Total number of songs on my Mom’s iPod: 1.

What song?? Rolling in the Deep. That’s right; my Mother has Rolling in the Deep on repeat.

I am not quite sure why random words are being highlighted on my blog. I think I accidently downloaded something when I was trying to watch Dance Moms last week. So I will work on that. Another Brooke problem.

Have a great time watching Men’s Olympic Swimming!!!!!!!

YOU ARE WELCOME.

Justin Beiber and I shop at the same store

I watched the Justin Beiber All Around the World show the last two nights. I honestly have never seen anything so cheesy. I spent half the show laughing and the other half in disbelief that people actually buy what he says.

I think Justin Beiber and I share a similar taste in sweat pants. I swear I have the same pair in my room.

I think Justin Beiber possibly shops at Forever 21 because I am 99.9% sure that I have the exact same hoody he was wearing at his Mexico show. I could be wrong, maybe he shops from a very feminine like masculine store.

Lately I have noticed a trend coming back with men. 

The return of the sagging pants. 

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONE. I honestly do not see what is so attractive with men being unable to pull their pants up. It seems like something SO simple. I mean I learned that pants are supposed to cover your underwear in preschool. And I was not the brightest preschooler. 

One Direction and Justin Beiber has this problem. PULL YOUR PANTS UP. No one wants to see your underwear.

You would think with all the money these artists make they could at least buy a pair of pants that actually fits and maybe if they are feeling adventurous, buy a belt.

Dear Male Population,

            

      Please do the world a favor and pull your pants up.

With Love,

The Female Population

I MISSED YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY!!!!Sorry I was making a pie. Not joking with the help of a friend it actually tastes pretty decent.

If you were a celebrity, who would you be and why?

I would be Meryl Streep. She is so classy and fantastic kind of like myself.

How many times a day do you fall up the stairs?

This is funny, because the I always try to run up the stairs by skipping like four steps at a time, and I usually fall at least two times a day.

What is your dream car?

A yellow Ferrari. I would look like Angelina Jolie in a yellow ferrai.

How many people have you taken out with your color guard flag?

A lot. I don’t trust myself with heavy equipment. I don’t mean to be so clumsy, I think its genetic.

Do you shower in the morning or at night?

During the school year I shower at night. I wake up 15 minutes before I go to school, I have no time to shower. But because it is the summer I shower whenever I feel the need to.

What do you do to your hair in the morning?

If my hair is falling flat, which usually is not the case, I put some random product in my hair to give it some flair. Other than that I don’t have to do much because it is short.

These are all personal questions, not our own issues, but are they still acceptable? Cause we would like answers.

I have no secrets.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

It took me 55. Pretty impressive.

SENT YOUR QUESTIONS TO brooketheblogger@aol.com

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

Team Brooke

The Wide Awake music video has succeeded in confusing me. I honestly had absolutely no idea what Katy Perry was going for. 

I was not wide awake during the Wide Awake music video. I was falling asleep. 

Yesterday I was a responsible child and went and got the summer reading materials for AP Lit. O MY GOSH I am going to die as I read, “How to Read Literature Like a Professor” I can already tell that is going to be an extremely slow read. Like” my car just ran out of gas and is still moving” slow. Maybe “Brooke waking up in the morning” slow.

It’s going to take a long time.

I am starting to get into “Dance Moms”. Not ashamed. I am a total member of Team Brooke. One because, she and I share a connection because my name is Brooke and her name is Brooke. Also because, she is the coolest and her mom is crazy.

Maddie’s mom is the biggest suck-up in the history of suck-ups. She needs to get some confidence.

The mothers are hilarious. If you think your mom has problems just watch Dance Moms. I promise it will put your problems in perspective.

I am not a big fan of this 95 degree weather. I personally like 75 degree weather with sun. It is perfect. 

BUT 95 DEGREE WEATHER, just no. No one looks good when they are sweating. And if you think you look good sweating, you don’t. Unless your name is Zac Efron or Taylor Lautner.

I saw Men in Black 3 the other day. Don’t go. It was horrible. The most interesting thing about the movie was when my popcorn fell on the ground.

Tomorrows YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY!!!!! Send your questions to brooketheblogger@aol.com!!!

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

I Don't Do Drugs

THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE FINISHED CLEANING HER ROOM. Thank you for the applause,

I can walk in my room now and I can see the floor. So in other words, it is quite an improvement.

I finished Grey’s Anatomy yesterday. I am literally dying right now I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL SEPTEMBER TO KNOW IF MEREDITH AND DEREK WILL SURVIVE. NOT COOL GREY’S ANATOMY WRITERS. NOT COOL.

I went on this cleaning rampage this last weekend. I do not know what was wrong with me. I am really viscous with a spray bottle of Windex. You get in my way, I will spray you.

I went to a brand new dentist today. Instead of going to a pediatric dentist I am now going to an adult dentist. I feel like such a grown up.

I learned the dental hygienists life story. She grew up in just outside of Williamsburg. She graduated in a class of 40. She met her Fiancé in Iowa City. They dated for three years. They are getting married in August. *Insert wedding plans: cake, dresses, flowers, venue, where the dresses were bought, etc*, how she was proposed to, her fiance's life story, and plans for the future. So yes I learned the dental hygienists life story.

Everyone complains about how dental hygienists’ talk to them and ask them questions while you they are cleaning your teeth. I never have that problem.

If you are one of those people who complain about the dental hygienists, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. 

Instead of having the dental hygienist ask you the questions to break the silence YOU need to ask the questions. That way while the dental hygienist is cleaning your pearly whites she has something to talk about.

I always get to know my dental hygienists.

Instead of complaining, when they take the tools out of your mouth, ask a generic question and they just start talking.

Anyway, the dentist told me I have a pretty smile.

My old dentist gave me the EXACT same lecture every single appointment. While he was cleaning my teeth he would say,”Brooke, don’t do drugs. I know you have a lot of pressure on you but, don’t do drugs. “And that went on for about 30 minutes, EVERY SINGLE TIME I CAME IN FOR AN APPOINTMENT.

When I met other people that went to my old dentist I always asked, “Do you get the drug lecture??” Guess what they said????? “No.” YEP I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS THE “DON’T DO DRUGS “lecture.

My brother doesn’t even get the “Don’t Do Drugs” lecture.

I honestly don’t think I look like I do drugs. I probably could not tell the difference between powdered sugar and cocaine. THAT IS HOW SHELTERED I AM.

Well, I like the new dentist more. He doesn’t seem to think that I do drugs.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY

Yesterday I made brownies.

I take that back, they resembled rocks more than brownies.

I honestly, do not know what I did wrong. I did EVERYTHING the box said to do, but when I took the brownies out I could not cut them. I had to take out an edge and use my muscle strength to cut ONE brownie.

If anyone wants any brownies let me know. No one in my house will eat them, not even my three legged dog.

Today I decided to practice being a trophy wife so I made a cake. I have not tasted the cake yet. Fingers crossed the cake is edible and good.

IT IS YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY!!!!!

My cat cries for like, a minute straight without taking a breath. How is this possible?? I have never been able to shut him up. I have even kicked him before. After that I felt ashamed and sent myself to my room. Then he went outside my door and cried again. The madness needs to end.

This is slightly disturbing. I would recommend CPR if necessary. I did read a fact though; you cannot kill yourself by holding your breath, so your cat won’t die. But, CPR won’t hurt. You should tape yourself giving your cat CPR.THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS.

Is there such a thing as eating too much?

No. I have eaten three bags of Doritoes today and I feel fine, I am lactose intolerant too. I would recommend eating as much as you like. I like to eat and hate to exercise so I choose eating. I feel totally cliché and stupid saying this but, YOLO. Gosh that’s embarrassing.

What's the fastest way to dry your socks once they're wet from the rain?

Put your socks on your hands and do a spiritual dance for as long as it takes for your socks to dry. Belly dancing, zumba, and ballroom are great forms of dance to try, while your wet socks are on your hands.

Is it a good idea to go out for a drink with a sailor?

Why not? Go for it, he might be a five. I would love to sail around the world with a five. Just make sure he doesn’t have a sailor’s mouth. Fives are classy.

Would you rather be wet and cold or wet and warm?

Wet and warm. Because the wet would make me feel less warm. Actually I don’t know, I am really sassy when I a hot but also I am just as sassy when I am cold. This is confusing.

What do you do when you don't like your best friend's boyfriend?  What's the best way to break them up?

DO NOT BREAK THEM UP. They will blame you for it and then your friendship will suffer. Let your friend come to the conclusion that her significant other is a loser. You can’t come to that conclusion for her they have to figure it out on their own.

How do we stop spending so much money on food?

I have the same problem. All I do is buy food. I wish I could help you. Maybe there is a Food Buyers Anonymous? Wanna be my sponsor???

More questions will be answered next week!

If you have any problems or questions you want me to solve email them to brooketheblogger@aol.com

I will reiterate myself from my last blog; I watch Dr. Phil every day and have seen every Oprah episode. On top of that I have more romantic comedies than the population of India. Honestly, they should just give me a therapist license.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

Hi, my name is Brooke and I am a future reality TV star.

I have no idea what to blog about today. So, I am going to just start typing and see where this goes.

I saw a story on private enterprise going into space the other day on 60 minutes. Yes, I watch 60 minutes and I am proud of it. The piece was really interesting. Now that NASA is not sending people into space anymore, American astronauts have to ride with the Russians.

THAT IS JUST WRONG. During the Space Age the Russians were our competitor, now we pay them to take Americans into space. 

That is like going back to a guy that cheated on you. WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY AMERICA???

I think private enterprise going into space is a great idea. If all goes as planned ordinary people could fly into space most likely during my lifetime. And the more competition in the private space market will mean the cheaper the price to fly to space will be.

That is why I love this country.

Tonight is a new episode of Love in the Wild. YES. YES. YES. You can judge me all you want but I, Brooke love reality TV. I am addicted and someday I will be on a reality TV show and I will win.

I personally think I would be great on the following reality TV shows.

Love in the Wild- I can totally win challenges, when you tell me if I lose I will have to sleep in a tent, you would be amazed what type of motivator that is for me. I don’t sleep outside. I don’t like bugs. BUT, I will crush bugs, jump into a pit of snakes, run across hot stones, and jump off of a cliff; all in the name of sleeping under a roof with AC. About the “love” portion of Love in the Wild I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Big Brother- I was born to be on Big Brother. I have been watching the show since I was ten. I know the tricks. I would win all the challenges. I have unusually strong arms due to colorguard. I am competitive win it comes to my standard of living. On top of all that I can play a mean social game. I would win Big Brother.

The Amazing Race- Could totally win this. I may not be able to speak a foreign language BUT I can mime. Also I will just use my iPhone. Again I would own at all of the challenges.

Those are just three reality shows of MANY that I would be perfect for.

I would do pretty much any reality show except for, The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. I have more dignity than to go on those shows. You may say, “Brooke, you want to go on Love in the Wild, but you don’t want to go on The Bachelor/Bachelorette. What is the difference?” Okay, The Bachelor/Bachelorette has crap challenges. I mean come on, eat as many apples you can in five minutes, THAT IS NOT A CHALLEGE. I do that every day. Plus I don’t want to go on these shows for “love” I want to go on for fun. Trust me going on a romantic date with a two aka some contestant of The Bachelor/Bachelorette does not sound fun to me. I look for fives in medical libraries.

Future reality TV star right here. I am thinking of getting a show called, Brooke. Basically, a camera would just follow me around while I get in girl fights and look for potential fives. I have a very exciting life. That is a good joke.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

QUESTIONS FOR YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY????? Email brooketheblogger@aol.com

I know you have problems. Let me solve them. I watch Dr. Phil and have seen every Oprah episode; I know what I am doing. 

Dear Music Industry,

If I hear, “Boyfriend” on the radio one more time something bad is going to happen.  “I could be a gentleman” YOU SHOULD ALREADY BE A GENTLEMAN. I highly doubt Justin Beiber opens the doors for his dates and takes out their chair. But I could be wrong.

The Justin Beiber song “Boyfriend” is just sad. And the music video just makes me want to barf. I MEAN CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG BUT LAST TIME I CHECKED JUSTIN BEIBER HAS A GIRLFRIEND. “If I was your boyfriend I wouldn’t let you go.” If I was Selena Gomez I would have broken up with Justin as soon as “Boyfriend” was released.

In all the music videos I have seen lately the singer or band spends the entire song practically glued to a girl. 

The “What Makes You Beautiful” music video, One Direction spends the entire time singing to size 0 models that don’t even look like real women. 

In the “Boyfriend” music video Justin Beiber is surrounded by girls who are practically throwing themselves at them. 

In The Wanted’s “Glad You Came” music video females are lining to be sung to by what appears to be a drunken band member.


And that is just the icing on the cake. 

The female population is being portrayed horribly in music videos. Maybe the music industry should meet real women. Real women don’t line up and throw themselves onto men. The majority of the female population has dignity and holds themselves to a higher level.

So One Direction, The Wanted, and Justin Beiber I invite you to my neck of the woods. I promise you some crazy teenage girls will throw themselves onto you. But, most girls would rather be the one getting chased instead of them chasing you.  

I would like to say for the record, I think “Glad You Came” and “What Makes You Beautiful” are extremely catchy songs. But they need new music videos.

“Boyfriend” does not even come close to catchy.

That’s my two cents.

Anyway I am now on season five of Grey’s Anatomy. I skipped seasons three and half of four. They seemed unnecessary.

Today Blitzen, my handsome Labrador got one of his hind legs amputated. :( He had some sort of cancer and they did not want it to spread to the rest of the body. Blitzen is going to be the coolest three legged dog around, and I am proud to report he will be working the cone again for another two weeks.

Blitzen is redefining the cone in fashion. I honestly think all the dogs are going to start wearing cones. Blitzen is a tread-setter.  

Enjoy the beautiful day!

YOU ARE WELCOME.

Release the Man-Eating Crows

I checked my phone for the first time in 24 hours an hour ago. And I have an iPhone, so going a day without Siri is like going a day without ketchup it just does not work. 

Why did I abandon my phone? I started watching Grey’s Anatomy.

I literally can’t stop watching.

I think I am going to become a doctor. Yes, I find science and math incredibly boring, but how hard can it be? Plus, you meet mega hot doctors like, Dr. Mcdreamy.

In other words I am addicted to Grey’s Anatomy and on the lookout for a hot doctor to marry and adopt Asian children with.

A few days ago I was convinced I was going to marry a track runner from LSU. Grey’s Anatomy put things into perspective.

You see I had colorguard camp all week and for lunch we went to the mall every day.

It was like a scene from your favorite romantic comedy, I crossed eyes with a 6’4, short haired, green-eyed, lean, hot, LSU track runner, (I know because he was wearing a LSU track jacket) he sat in the table beside me and I swear our eyes locked at least three times.

Well I had to leave, BUT THE NEXT DAY WHO DO YOU THINK I SAW AT THE MALL?????? THE LSU TRACK GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think my heart stopped beating when I saw him.

I had finished eating but he walked into Panera. You guessed it I followed him into Panera. And proceeded to sit outside with friends so HE would have a better view of me to look at. Don’t worry guys I sat on my good side.

I have not seen him since.  But I think it was fate so I have a feeling LSU track guy and I will meet again.

After watching Grey’s Anatomy I have realized that a doctor would be way better than a track star, for three reasons:

1)     I could not sit through track meets to cheer on my five. TRACK MEETS ARE SOOO BORING. All you do is watch people run in a circle. They could at least release wild dogs or put man eating birds in the runners way to make things more interesting.

2)      I have a feeling doctors have a lot less personality than track runners. I HAVE A LOT OF PERSONALITY. Some would say too much. The track runner would be threatened by me and leave.

3)      Doctors make more money over a long period of time; track runners only run for like three years and then BOOM no more running and no more money.

So even though LSU track star and I would be the next Brad and Angelina I have moved on to doctors. In other words, instead of hanging out at the track stadium I am going to the medical library.

Au revior. I have more Grey’s Anatomy to watch. I will be back tomorrow!

YOU ARE WELCOME.

Questions??? brooketheblogger@aol.com

NATURAL SELECTION AT ITS FINEST

I get the award for best tan lines. I am sporting an incredibly sexy sports bra, tennis shoe, and sunglass tan line. I swear if you compared me to a Victoria Secret model right now, I would win.

My dad is a crazy conservative Republican and needs help. He of course wants me to be a crazy conservative Republican, but that does not really float my boat. Last night, I told him what I truly am, a Libertarian. He was shocked. I am honestly afraid about my inheritance right now.

Love in the Wild is the best show ever. Everyone is talking crap about it. BUT STOP. IT IS SOOOOO GOOD. I think I should be on Love in the Wild. I would win, and meet a five. I am ALWAYS looking for fives.

Due to the NCAA Track thingy this week hot track fives are taking over Des Moines. I was at the mall today, saw about 10 potential fives. I think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds.

I am so sick of red lights. They are so inconvenient. I say we ditch them. EVERYONE DRIVE FOR THEMSELVES. ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE. NATURAL SELECTION AT ITS FINEST.

Pure genius. I don’t know where I come up with this stuff.

I will be back tomorrow. Don’t get too crazy.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

Questions for YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY email brooketheblogger@aol.com

Twitter: @BloggingBrooke

My Room is a War Zone

After a much needed blog break Brooke is back.

Due to the fact that I am on Summer break I am going to be blogging at least five times a week, starting today. 

Remember I have a hard time keeping resolutions, but I do have a habit of surprising myself.

The best part about Summer in my opinion, is all the reading I get to do. I am going to be the nerd that admits that I READ DURING THE SUMMER.

I have already reread three books and completed two new ones. I am on a roll.

When I was in second grade I did the Summer Reading Challenge at the Library and won a Beenie Babie. It was the first thing I had ever won. My parents were at work so I made my nanny call them at work and tell them I had won a Beanie Babie.

Does anyone remember Beanie Babies? If you don’t go Google image them NOW and they will probably look familiar. O MY GOSH I literally had over 100 Beanie Babies. I was obsessed. I kept them in a super classy trash bag.

This past weekend was Junk Day in my neighborhood. Junk Day is the time of year when you put all your crap on the curb, aka NOTHING IS SAFE IN MY HOUSE. 

In the Spring Cleaning mode Brooke was forced to clean her room.

My room strangely resembled the ruins of Greece, just much less artistic. I am never buying anything again. Never. The amount of crap I have is scary. I found not one but THREE flower headbands. WHAT DO I NEED A FLOWER HEADBAND FOR??? I HAVE SHORT HAIR!

I also found:

15 pairs of unmatched socks

4 towels

10 book covers

5 notebooks

Countless gum wrappers

3 cans of unused hair spray

6 unused bottles of nail polish, 2 of the same color

Countless clothing tags

2 cardboard boxes, of a large size

1 tea set

And that is just the icing of the cake.

I am not even done cleaning my room yet. IT IS THAT BAD. I am afraid to go back in. I feel like I am walking into a war zone and all my crap is going to start shooting at me. I would not be surprised if the crap in my room works with terrorists. I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW MY ROOM GOT SO OUT OF CONTROL?????

I mean yes I do not put things away. Yes, I have a problem with compulsive sale shopping. Yes, I read way too many books. And finally, yes I am the most unorganized person I the planet.

STILL HOW DID IT GET SO BAD???????

Anyway I am going to ponder that for a while. Enjoy the beautiful day!

YOU ARE WELCOME.

Questions for YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY email, brooketheblogger@aol.com

Twitter: @BloggingBrooke