A Year in Review: Happy Birthday to Your Daily Dose of Brooke

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TODAY IS THE ONE YEAR MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I have been thinking about what to possibly blog about today and I am really coming up dry. You see I was going to revamp the Ranking System but why would I mess with something that works??? ALSO OH MY GOSH I haven’t been blogging a ton recently so y’all don’t know but in the last few months Brooke has met several fives. THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE.

Today what I am going to do is instead to a year in review. If you have read Bridget Jones Diary you know what I am talking about.

THE DAILY DOSE OF BROOKE YEAR IN REVIEW:

1)      90 posts in 365 days

2)      I taught you all how to rid your home of campaign callers

3)      Stereotyped Asian people on several occasions. Please, Asians take it as a compliment.

4)      Emphasized the importance of gentlemen

5)      Predicted two out of the five Oscars that I called.

6)      Made it clear, you take ONE MIRROR PICTURE OR SELFIE AND I LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR YOU.

7)      Solved the world’s problems. I still think we should sell the national monuments. THINK ABOUT WHAT PRIVATE ENTERPRISE CAN DO WITH THE GIFT SHOPS!!!!!

8)      Introduced a new holiday: Looking for Fives Day

9)      Addressed my PTSD with French Camp.

10)   You all met Sensai. That’s how I spell it, haters.

11)   Continued my trophy wife training.

12)   Came to the conclusion Tuesdays are the worst day of the week.

13)   Blogged from the line.

14)   Created the pants dance.

15)   Wrote about the human stage.

16)   Discovered that PIMP actually means “Peeing in my pants”

17)   Expressed the importance of watching Breaking Dawn with your Dad on prom night, because it is good for character development.

18)   Published The Phases of a One Direction Fan

19)   Created the charity FEED THE LIONS.

20)   Reviewed Takeout. Because people trust me Brooke knows her takeout.

21)   Interviewed a self-proclaimed five.

22)   Reviewed slushies.

23)   Exposed what BOY SCOUTS DOESN'T TEACH YOU.

24)   Got the ball rolling for production of Magic Mike in 3D.

25)   Became Charles Darwin’s biggest fan.

26)   Married a Men’s Olympic Swimmer in my dreams.

27)   Comforted my fear of fireworks.

28)   Established that Brooke Problems > Your Problems

29)   Diversity killed the cat.

30)   Discovered love does not exist if Kurt and Blaine don’t get back together.

31)   Had a Kiki

32)   Met the love of my life at Starbucks. I still don’t know his name.

WOW. And that’s just from looking at the titles of the blog posts. SO WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE I WROTE ABOUT INSIDE THEM????!!!!??

Well if I can do this many awesome things in one year imagine how many awesome things I can do in TWO YEARS. The party is just beginning.

Have a great New Year and don’t do anything I wouldn't do!!!!! THAT LEAVES YOUR OPTIONS OPEN.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A KIKI IS?????!!!

This hottie has pneumonia. In other words I can’t say three words without having a coughing attack. I am on my fifth day and I don’t feel any better. To top it off the sheer amount of drugs I am on right now scares me. 

I am just going to come out and say it. Les Miserables was disappointing. Frankly the hype made it sound like I was walking into the greatest movie of the year.

I really could do with a little dialogue. I don’t think EVERYTHING needed to be sung, I am sorry but when you try to fit a five syllable sentence into a four syllable singing line IT JUST DOESN'T WORK. My biggest problem was it was predictable, I saw the show on stage when I was six, but I didn't remember any of it when I went to see it recently. I called that entire show. Within 10 minutes I knew the ending.

The plot for me dragged on. For a good ¼ of the movie I was sitting there thinking, “WHAT IS GOING ON??????” Granted, the ending of the movie tied some strings up for me, but in the end I was simply disappointed.

The biggest problem I have with Les Miserables is everyone is like “OMG IT WAS SO GOOD”, people it is getting to the point where I think people are just saying it’s good because everyone else thinks it’s good.

The bottom line is Les Miserables will not win Best Picture. It’s too generic and not edgy enough for the Academy. Will it win some awards? Yes, but not best actor or best actress. I would put my money on Helena Bonham Carter winning best supporting actress, and they will obviously will win best soundtrack.

Best Picture this year will go to Lincoln. Now that was a brilliant piece of cinema. I have seen a lot of great movies but Lincoln was stunning. It was spot on historically, the acting literally made me want to fall out of my chair, and just the overall story makes Les Miserables look miserable in comparison. Did you catch that pun?????

Finally I predict that Argo and Lincoln walk away with the most awards at the end of both the Golden Globes and the Oscars.

And I will be right.

The fiscal cliff.  I don’t care whether you are a republican or a democrat if you are elected to congress DO YOUR JOB. I think someone needs to teach these parties how to compromise. These politicians obviously never got much of an education because that haven’t realized yet, you can’t get everything you want. And the argument being made in congress right now, which we don’t need to cut spending is ABSURD. And I am questioning and worried about the sanity of anyone who thinks the debt isn't a big deal. WAKE UP PEOPLE AMERICA IS TURNING INTO GREECE. The debt shouldn't be a party issue and the fact that it is just shows how uneducated politicians are these days.

I say we lock congress in a room without food, water, and toilets THEN WE WILL SEE HOW FAST THEY MAKE A DEAL. Also I think cutting their pay in half is justified if we go over the fiscal cliff.  I should run this country, and then we would actually get something done.

I never commented on the recent election, so now that I have had some time to mull over my thoughts I am going to. First, just because this election you decided to get involved in the political process, doesn't make you educated in politics in the slightest. You see, politics is ever changing and it takes years of observing to be able to comment and argue effectively. I myself have watched Meet the Press every Sunday morning since I was in first grade and have spent the last ten years of my life attending rallies, arguing with politicians, asking questions, and simply observing. And still after a decade I am nowhere near as educated as I would like to be, but I am a whole lot better off than 50% of America.

Now that the election is over I am elated. Because all the people who think they are politically educated can stop making fools of themselves. You see when you have followed politics long enough to see a change in power and can argue either side of an issue then I will respect you. Until then I am 100% positive nearly half of America is uneducated.

These drugs are fabulous. Other than the fact that I can’t keep food down, their grrrrrrrrrrreat.

I recently met people who didn’t know what a kiki is. I AM IN SHOCK. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A KIKI IS YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THE WORLD. Seriously, IT’S A KIKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just had to get that off my chest. “LOCK THE DOORS, COVER THE BLINDS, BECAUSE WE ARE ALL COMING OVER” You just need to know what a kiki is. If you don’t know what one is call me. We will work this out.

I am going to close on this note. A spoiler came out the other day saying Kurt and Blaine are getting back together on my birthday. I THINK RYAN MURPHY PLANNED THIS!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO RYAN MURPHY IS A DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH. I wish I was his kid.

Finally, I invite you all to check my vlog! Just search Getting Down with Brooke and Julia on Youtube and its one of the first hits! Become and subscriber and please send questions.

ONE MORE THING. I am going to be starting of YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY again and I need some fresh questions so please email to brooketheblogger@aol.com with your burning questions, and of course you will be totally anonymous!

Have a fabulous New Year and don’t get to drunk.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

I MET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

HELLO WORLD.

If one more person makes an Apocalypse joke then I am convinced the world will actually end. DON’T JINX IT PEOPLE.

I arrived home from a band trip last night at 1:30 in the morning, in other words, Brooke was a walking sassy zombie. I’m not joking I told three freshmen if they screamed one more time I would make sure their vocal cords never worked again. So let me change my title, Brooke was a walking scary and sassy zombie. Travel was not advised last night so it makes perfect sense to drive a charter bus with 50 people on it home. Three people died on the highway this week, because of the ice. I COULD HAVE DIED. Although, I have been technically dead on this blog for a few months so you wouldn't know the difference.

There was so much PDA on the band trip. I would be willing to bet half of the band is dating each other. I am going to be completely honest; the minute you do PDA I lose ALL respect for you. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOU MAKING OUT OR CUDDLING ON A BUS. Please someone explain to me, what is so romantic about bus seats??!! I really wanted a spray bottle of holy water and to walk up and down the aisles spraying the PDAers and yelling, “JESUS LOVES YOU!!!” The people behind me talked about their sex life and how if her mom finds out they are going to have a talk at the kitchen table with her mother. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT.

I think I am emotionally damaged. On top of it more than half of the couples didn't leave each other’s sides the entire trip. It’s like they were entirely dependent of one another. If the other one left the persons sight, just count down from 10 and I promise the other one will show up, I would put money on that. What happened to independence? We live in America, you should be able to walk to the bathroom by yourself or talk to someone about something other than your counterpart. So what I learned? If relationships are like the relationships I saw on the band trip, I want to marry my dog and stay single forever.

In other news Kurt and Blaine are still broken up. I think Ryan Murphy is testing how strong I am, just to see if I will survive this break up. IT HAS BEEN TOUGH. Seriously, I will go about my day and all a sudden I will think, “KURT AND BLAINE BROKE UP” and then I will cry inside. I think I should start journaling my feeling, that’s what Oprah would tell me to do.

I have a problem. Scratch that, I have many problems. I didn't start Christmas shopping until today. Christmas really sneaked up on me this year. I don’t even know what I want. So I am telling everyone I want world peace and Darren Criss. But today, there were more people at the mall then there was at all the Twilight midnight movie premieres combined. PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN TO WALK. I hate window shoppers. If you are just walking along and breathing in the bacteria infested air, I want to kill you. I have places to be. If you don’t have a game plan when you walk in the mall, you need to walk out.

Yesterday I met the love of my life. I was in line at Starbucks at the band convention, and the guy behind me was 6’4, had curly brown hair, and was wearing a hipster scarf. I cannot believe how forward I was. I TURNED AROUND AND ASKED HIM WHERE HE WAS FROM. I know crazy?? He was from Alabama and is a political science and economics major at the University of Alabama. He plays the trombone and loves jazz music. Also he told me I am funny and cute. HE TOLD ME THAT. OMG OMG OMG. We talked for like 10 minutes in line and he ordered a pumpkin spice latte. His drink came before mine and I figured he would just leave. He waited. And I was totally thrown off, so when my drink came I just took it and turned and said, “It was nice meeting you” and I walked away.

Here is my problem: I FORGOT TO ASK HIM HIS NAME. Seriously, Brooke you talk to him for 10 minutes and you forget to ask him his name!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????!!! Sooooooo, IF ANYONE KNOWS A FRESHMAN POLITICAL SCIENCE AND ECONOMICS MAJOR AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA WHO LIKES PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES CONTACT ME ASAP. I AM SERIOUS GUYS HE COULD HAVE BE MY FUTURE HUSBAND.

My phone case looks like it has been put in a blender. I just thought I’d say that.

Okay I am going to address the elephant in the room, why have I not been blogging????? Well for a long time people have been telling me, “Brooke, make a vlog.” And I never have, but I made one. My friend Julia and I are the hosts of Getting Down with Brooke and Julia. So for the last few months I have been focusing on that. But now that it is up and running I am confident I will be able to maintain this blog and vlog. I like logs.

If one more person tells me their New Year’s Resolution is to lose weight I am going to kick a chair. PEOPLE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. That’s the biggest problem with the world these days. We are always judging each other. The fact is most girls will never be able to walk a runway. I myself never will because if I am ever a size 0 let me tell you THAT WILL BE WHEN THE WORLD ENDS, and two I don’t want to stop eating Chinese food. But as far as I am concerned embrace the curves. People need to stop trying to become someone else and instead realize just how fantastically awesome they already are. So if you are a teenager and your News Years Resolution is to lose weight, you need to reassess how fantastic you are.

I am reading a free reading book. It’s awesome. I forgot how much I love reading.

Chances are if you have been following this blog for a while you know I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions or any sort of resolution for that matter. So I am not going to sit here and tell you I will be updating so many times a week, because I will break it. So instead I am going to tell you I have a lot of opinions and as long as the earth is still around, and I have wifi I will keep blogging.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

I am a fan girl.

I have a problem. I am a fan girl. Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Blaine cheated on Kurt on Glee. I encourage all of you to watch the videos my friend and I made before and after the episode. They show raw human emotion. I honestly have so many emotions now. I feel like I just went through a break up. I need to go hug my three legged dog.

On a less depressing note this is the first Friday in four weeks that I am not doing anything. It feels fantastic. I am eating, watching Netflix and looking up spoilers about the future of Kurt and Blaine’s relationship because I am a fan girl.

I consider myself a fan girl for the following nouns: Glee, Klaine, Grey’s Anatomy, Darren Criss, Harry Potter, and One Direction. If there is a spoiler out in the world someplace I am 99.9% sure I have found it and investigated it further.

I LOVE SPOILERS. I really am not a big fan of waiting for things. So I read spoilers. For example Glee is on five week hiatus yet I know the following things because of my fan girling:

1)      Episode 5 and 6 are centered on the musical.

2)      I know all the songs that will be on the next two episodes.

3)      Blaine will take down pictures of Kurt in his locker in episode 7 because they broke up and Kurt won’t talk to him.

4)      A fan asked Ryan Murphy( the writer of Glee) what his plans were for Kurt and Blaine? He responded with, “Eternity.” SO EVEN THOUGH THEY MIGHT BREAK UP THEY ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER!!!!!!!! I think I can tough this out.

5)      Kurt and Blaine will have a duet in the Moulin Rouge episode.

I have a lot more….but trust me if I kept writing it would take all night.

The big question I ask myself is, HOW DO I HAVE TIME FOR ALL OF THIS???? I am still working on that.

I am so ready for the election to be over with. Seriously the presidential election is important and all but everyone is like, “the next president will decide the future of America” I totally disagree with that. Okay, there are millions of Americans and one president. Whether your candidate wins or not the world is not going to be over. And the whole, “The country is going to go to crap if whoever is elected” IS SO ANNOYING. America has gotten through over 40 presidents, and some of them were a little loony, but we have turned out okay. So o my gosh people hold your horses the world is not over and if all else fails move to Switzerland.

Imagine how awkward it would be to be Obama or Romney during the debate. I personally would like to moderate the debates. I would have sass. Like if one of the candidates tried to cut me off I would be like, “Um no. You do not talk to me like that, I am in charge. “I think it would be a lot more entertaining. I would also have a blow horn; whenever they talk over I just blow the horn until they stop talking.

Also as of today I am running for president in the future. My goal: WE ARE GOING TO MARS BABY.

I love space. My dad got me into space when I was really little and ever since then I just eaten it up. Like, my keys are on a NASA key chain. I think Space is super humbling, I mean we are a really small speck in a humungous galaxy. How cool is that? Personally, I think there is some other form of life out in space, I mean frankly I think we are being incredibly naïve thinking we are the only living things in the universe. You all should watch NOVA. You may think I am a nerd, but lets me honest, YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS.

I need to clean my room. It looks like a clothing store threw up on my floor. Alas, I have no will power for cleaning so it’s not going to happen. I think I will go eat my feelings instead.

Dear Annoying People Who Intragram Everything,

I HATE INSTAGRAM. You think you are a professional photographer now. I have news for you, taking a picture of your Starbucks cup and changing the lighting DOES NOT MAKE YOU ARTISTIC. NO. NO.NO. If I see one more breakfast bar instagrammed I will lose all faith in my generation.  

–The World.

Have a great Friday, and please don’t instagram your cat. Trust me changing the lighting on your cat won’t make him look cuter than my three legged dog. My three legged dog is so cute, HE DOESN’T NEED INSTAGRAM.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

Diversity Killed the Cat

Hello world.

Okay I am making a resolution to blog at least twice a week starting today.

Yesterday I began working at an unnamed presidential campaign. I am going to keep politics out of my blog. 

I just plan on making fun of both candidates on here.

I was making phone calls at the unnamed presidential campaign.

Anyways, I have never got hung up on so many times in my life.

I had an 80-year-old lady cuss me out.

A 97-year-old lady told me her life story. Her name is Betty, she hates democrats, she has 20 grandchildren, and she likes her eggs scrambled. She was cute.

Four of the people I called were dead. And their families told me to stop abusing them.

One lady told me she was voting for her dog….which with our choice of candidates that might be the smart choice.

When I left the unnamed office, my confidence was a little lower than it was when I started.

Personally, I just don’t see why people don’t read, “How to Rid Your Home of Campaign Callers” (my second blog post) it would be so much more creative. I mean if you are going to hang up on someone do it with flair.

This week Glee returns. I just want to say for the record, I hate EVERYONE on Glee except for Blaine and Kurt. I think they should just cancel Glee and make the Blaine and Kurt show.

SPOILER ALERT: According to sources BLAINE AND KURT ARE BREAKING UP. 

AHERHSLDLSFLSFHNSLIGLDSNFLGBLKCNLSFNLSNG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Words cannot describe my emotional distress right now. The episode is entitled “The Break-Up” it’s the forth episode of the season and it is right before a 5 WEEK HIATUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

If Blaine and Kurt break-up I will gain so much weight. I will redefine obesity. I have no love life so I invest all my emotions in a cute gay-couple on TV.

Okay so the Republicans and the Democrats have now had their respective conventions, so now everyone’s feelings are out in the open.

I thought the debt clock in the Republican convention was a nice touch.

And the whole Clint Eastwood talking to a chair made me feel good about my sanity.

Mitt Romney made some good points, but I really want to do something different with his hair.

Mitt Romney’s sons are total fives. It is too bad they are married and have children.

I don’t quite understand the whole child birth concept. I mean it sounds so painful and all you get is a screaming and crying child out of it. Where is the joy???

If I ever have children, I would adopt. One African American, one Indian, one Asian, one Hispanic, and one white kid. Then I would write a book about raising children of all different races. It could be called, “Brooke’s Children of the Rainbow” or “Diversity Rules: Brooke Style” I might get started on this.

Also I want my kids to go to the Olympics. I really want one of those P and G Thank You Mom commercials.

Some people dream of going to the Olympics, I dream of having a Thank You Mom commercial.

Priorities.

Okay I got side tracked, going back to the political conventions.

I am 99.9% positive I am smarter than Joe Biden. The man doesn’t know what state he is in half the time. He makes millions of dollars a year and gives 1.5% of his income to charity.

Joe Biden is incredibly entertaining though. But, if he was president I think I would move to Canada. I would honestly fear for my own safety.

Obama is a very good speaker. But if he says, “Hope”, “Change”, or “Forward” ONE MORE TIME I am going to throw something.

I like the ties much more at the DNC.

I will leave you all with one last note. This morning I walked in the kitchen to find my parents dancing to One Direction’s, What Makes You Beautiful. In other words, my parents win the Best Parents award hands down.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

For those wondering if the title of this blog post means anything, the answer is yes. But, I am still working out what it means.  

Brooke Problems.

I am really confused of the point of the song “Some Nights” I mean please just listen to the song. Don’t get me wrong it is a very catchy song but the lyrics are just confusing.

“I look into my nephews eyes”  

“Its best we keep our distance”

“What do I stand for?”  

“This is it boy, this is war.

” Jack my style”

“I miss my mom and dad for this”

“I could use some friends for a change”

I am really at a loss right now. I can’t even try to comprehend this song.

Yesterday was the biggest Brooke Problem day of my entire life. August 24^th will go down in history as Brooke Problem day. Just wait in 10 years there will be parades.   

I have to get to school at 6:10 every morning for squad leader meetings before marching band. Yesterday I woke up at 5:55. In other words I missed the squad leader meeting. Brooke Problem.

Then I was walking onto the field for marching band, and pulling out my coordinate sheet, (a coordinate sheet is used in marching band to tell the person where they are marching to) and instead of my coordinate sheet I pulled out my schedule. Yep that’s right I brought my schedule for school to marching band. Brooke Problem

AS IF THINGS COULD NOT GET WORSE, I ran to my car because I needed my gloves for colorguard and only found one glove. The other one was missing. Brooke Problem.

After marching band as I was driving I was changing my shoes. I looked down at my passenger seat and realized something very very bad. I brought two different shoes. One red flat and one flip flop. They don’t even look alike. Brooke Problem.

By then it was only 8:00.

In math class I swear the kid next to me had a knife in his pocket. Brooke Problem.

At lunch they ran out of fruit punch. Brooke Problem.

I got homework. Like a lot of homework. Like “I shouldn’t be blogging right now” type of homework. Brooke Problem.

After school I get to my car. I have a parking ticket. IT’S THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL AND I HAVE A PARKING TICKET. Apparently I was parked in the wrong place and I wasn’t in between the lines. Brooke Problem.

The amount of Brooke Problem’s I have is exhausting. If you have been having a tough week I hope that puts things into perspective for you. It is tough to be me.

My poor parents.

Big Brother is the only thing keeping me together right now. I would talk about Big Brother but I am 99.9% positive none of you watch it. So all I am going to say is Frank is the world biggest loser and Dan is the man.

For those of you who care deeply about me, my cold is getting better. I am only using half a Kleenex box a day!!!!!!!!!! But I am getting at least one bloody nose a day. BUT, I can breathe out of my left nostril every so often!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!! I forgot about the biggest Brooke Problem of all!!!!!! Yesterday I got pulled over by a cop.

The cop and I actually got along really well. I didn’t have my head lights on all the way so he taught me. He asked me if I had been anywhere with drugs or alcohol and I responded with, “I’m in band. What do you think?” He thought it was funny.

Recently I have been asking myself a question, why did women fight for equal rights? I mean, all I want to do is: watch Netflix, eat, dance it up, watch Dance Moms, drive around, go on Pinterest, watch Big Brother party, or shop. And if women didn’t have to be educated I could still do that. I really think the women who fought for rights were thinking very short term. I mean basically all women are forced to go to school and work and if I don’t want to do that I look lazy.

But, I do like the right to vote. We should keep that. And education is good to sometimes. I am rather bipolar about women’s rights.

I am picturing all the feminists out in the world shooting me daggers. Please don’t kill me. I just want to watch Dance Moms in peace.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

QUESTIONS? brooketheblogger@aol.com

My Parents > Your Parents

A couple weeks ago my dad came home and informed me he was ready to buy songs for the first time on iTunes.

Keep in mind my dad has had his iPhone for almost five months.

He came home with a napkin covered with songs he wanted front and back. Most of the songs are from the 60’s and 70’s but then amongst the oldies is Rolling In the Deep. My dad loves his Adele.

It took an hour. We had to listen to every single song preview in full length so he could decide if he still wanted the song.

One hour later I discovered I have made a very bad decision helping my dad buy his music.

My dad always plays his music. There is never a moment of silence. The man is beginning to think he is a DJ.

For example, want to go to bed? Nope, the music is playing.

Want to have a conversation? Nope, the music is playing.

Want to watch TV? Nope, the music is playing.

Want to play tennis? Nope, he plays music during the tennis game.

I don’t think he has discovered the volume device.

I think it is kinda funny. I don’t think my mom thinks it is as funny though.

This AP Lit summer reading is becoming the death of me. I am determined to finish The One Who Flee Over the Cookoo’s Nest, but I keep falling asleep while I am reading it.

About a week ago I was convinced the Michael Phleps and I were going to get married. Not anymore. He is dating an aspiring model/cocktail waitress. I am worth more than that. He does not deserve me. Sorry Michael.

Whole Foods opening has encouraged my mother to stock up for the apocalypse. She is averaging going to Whole Foods three times a week. I am a big fan of the tomato sauce and the ice cream…but I can’t handle the organic fruit. The apples are like eating sponges.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO BLOG ABOUT.

This post is slowing becoming a post about my parents. I can’t help it, they are too cute.

My parents go to CostCo every Saturday. Everyone and their dog is at CostCo on Saturdays. So my parents are trying to set a record for getting through CostCo the fastest on a Saturday. So far, we have had a 5:02 and a 6:30. It is seriously pure entertainment.

I think I might tape it. You all should try to get through CostCo as fast as you can on a Saturday and then send me your time. We can make this a competition. The biggest problem you will face is grabbing a sample on the go. It takes skill. Also avoiding young children has proven to be a challenge.

I have found one problem with the Olympics. The commentators. For example, the swimming commentators would be like, “Phelps is going to win” BEFORE Phleps actually won. I mean Phelps did win BUT Phelps could have drowned. You can’t call a race that early, THE SWIMMER COULD STILL DROWN. Or in track the commentators would call the race before the winner crossed the finish line. THE RUNNER COULD TRIP. These people are not taking everything into account.

Okay, I have to stop blogging now. I am having too much fun for my own good. TOMORROWS POST IS ABOUT BROOKE’S MOST RECENT BROOKE PROBLEMS. There are quite a few. :)

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

I Can't Breathe Out of My Nose

I haven’t been able to breath out of my nose for two weeks. My mom has been telling me, “Oh Brooke, it will be over tomorrow. It’s a cold it has to run its course.” WHAT A LOAD OF GARBAGE. After 14 days, 12 Kleenex boxes, 3 neti pots, and constant agony, Brooke’s mother took Brooke to the doctor.

It has been one hour and I am feeling better already. One improvement, I can breathe out of my left nostril. That is like walking on the moon in my world.

I would strongly recommend never using a neti pot. I would compare using a neti pot to water boarding.  I have never been water boarded, but I would not be surprised if the United States uses neti pots as torture devices on terrorists. It they don’t they should start.

My social media networks are filled with everyone’s school schedules. I AM FLATTERED THAT YOU WANT TO BE IN A CLASS WITH ME, but seriously if you are still worried about eating lunch by yourself then I think it’s time to take a walk.

In my opinion I think Americans gain more weight during the Olympics then all the holidays for ten years combined. Assuming you are all like me and spent the last two weeks watching hot guys do amazing things while I sat and ate out of the ice cream container, I was too lazy to grab a bowl.

The Olympics. The Olympics has helped me enormously in one category, I have spent the entire Olympics deciding which country my next boyfriend is going to be from.  I am leaning towards either the Australians or the Prince Harry. I also want him to be either an Olympic swimmer, men’s gymnast, diver, Brazilian beach volleyball player, or track and field star. So in other words, I’m not picky.

Gabby Douglas is like the coolest person ever. I am so happy for her. You can tell how genuine she is and she really deserves this. I went to Chows for five years. It took five years but I finally nailed that cartwheel. My mom was Chow’s son’s teacher. And she convinced Chow to get his son a dog. I feel like a celebrity.

Okay everyone spent the entire Olympic Games talking about Ryan Lochte. I don’t see what is so great about him. He is SO cocky, he has a bigger closet than me, and he wears gangster shoes and a grill. I can’t stand him. THE MAN IS 28 GROW UP. He is a two.

Usian Bolt annoys me so much too. He and Ryan Lochte are the text book definition of cocky. I think the United States needs to put millions of dollars into beating Usian Bolt. The United States should not be losing the 100 meters. Especially to Usian Bolt.

The Attitude of the United States:

During the Olympics: “THE UNITED STATES IS GREATEST COUNRTY IN THE WORLD. WE WILL KILL YOU ALL ON THE BATTLEFIELD WITH OUR 10 AIRCRAFT CARRIERS.”

When the Olympics is not going on: “The United States sucks, I am moving to Canada”

PARTY ON.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

The Ice Cream Review

Ladies and gentlemen I present you with The Ice Cream Review.

Over the past few weeks my digestive system has been having a party. For those of you who don’t know Brooke suffers from being lactose-intolerant. So, let’s just say my digestive system is breathing a sigh of relief now that the Ice Cream Review is done.

Without further ado, LETS BEGIN.

The Wendy’s Frosty

Pros- Perfect mix of creamy and milky. Strong taste. Easy to eat while driving.

Cons- Melts quickly. If you are looking to keep your frosty around for a few days…you will be disappointed. The frosty tastes horrible after a day.

Original Dairy Queen Vanilla Cone

Pros- Strong flavor and hits the spot on a 106 degree day.

Cons- Melts quickly and if you’re driving you might want to pull over. Let’s just say my car was a mess after a tried to eat a Dairy Queen cone and drive.

Edy’s Pint Vanilla Ice Cream

Pros- Lasts multiple days. Easy to eat and drive. Rich and creamy. Takes at minimum five minutes to thaw. Fabulous.

Cons- Only lasts two days if you are me.

Ben and Jerry’s Pint Vanilla Ice Cream

Pros- Lasts at least three days. Easy to eat and drive, (CARRY A SPOON IN YOUR CAR. I FIND IT HELPFUL) Also there is excitement in every bite.

Cons- Takes a long time to thaw after you take it out of the freezer. For me it took 8 minutes until I could get a decent bite.

Healthy Choice Ice Cream Bars

Pros- Super good for you. Only 100 calories. Easy to eat, no need for thawing. You won’t loose a tooth if you take a bite. And tastes like happiness.

Cons- Not very filling and its healthy, where is the fun in that???

McDonalds Original Ice Cream Cone

Pros- Everything about this ice cream is perfect. Genuine consistency in the cream. Perfect amount of flavor. Easy to eat and drive. The cone tasted good. And most importantly it was cheap.

Cons- NONE.

I personally would go with the McDonalds Ice Cream cone on a 106 degree day like today. The taste hits the spot and you are left feeling dandy.

The reason this review took so long was because of the fact I am lactose intolerant. I found eating three ice cream products in one day would not benefit you (I would end up dead and wouldn’t be able to give you my discoveries) or me ( just to reiterate I would be dead) so that is why it took so long.

SO GO OUT AND EAT ICE CREAM.

Okay, five people have just ran by my house. It is 107 degrees. They should go eat ice cream. 

AND SEND QUESTIONS TO brooketheblogger@aol.com

YOU ARE WELCOME.

I Honestly Can't Tell You Why I Am Watching The Bachelorette

I am watching I am watching The Bachelorette for the first time.

“I have met the love of my life”

“It’s going to feel so good for her to tell me she loves me too”

“I just can’t decide”

“I know she wants to tell me she loves me”

“I made a love potion for you”

“It smells so good. You did such a great job”

“Ari, will you wait for me?”

“I give so much, I am so open and I am a loving person. I feel like I deserve that back”

“It’s unreal that it’s over”

“I want the picture in my mind to come true”

“There has always been something in my past relationships that have held me back”

“You really are everything that I lived for so long.”

“I feel like the luckiest man in the world. I smile so big. There is something about us.”

“I am so grateful that we are there”

“When the road was hard and tough. I am so grateful that you didn’t run away. Because I found my everything.”

“What I am about to ask you is a forever thing.”

I can’t type this fast.

“O my gosh Jeff is so hot.” –Brooke

Do people actually talk to each other like this in relationships? This is like a Hallmark movie times a million.

I’m sorry I can’t stop laughing right now. THIS GIRL HAS 16 GUYS COMPETING FOR HER. AND SHE STILL CAN’T DECIDE. If I had 16 guys competing for me, I honestly don’t know what I would do, but I am 100% positive I would not make a love potion with them. 100% positive.

I would totally choose Ari by the way. He’s a race car driver and Jeff is an entrepreneur. We all know “entrepreneur” is code for I don’t really know what I do.

O MY GOSH THE AUIDENCE IS CRYING. THIS IS GOLD.

This girl has 16 boyfriends practically handed to her, I don’t even have one five. WHY IS SHE FEELING SORRY FOR HERSELF? Honestly, do the American women a favor and make a decision.

Good she chose Jeff. Ari deserves someone better….me.

I watched Best in Show last night. Everyone needs to watch that movie. It was hilarious on so many levels.

I went to the pool today. I didn’t know they sold bikinis for 4-year-olds.

I worked at VBS this past week. They changed the words of “I’m Sexy and I Know It” to “God Loves Me and I Know It” I am sorry, but as much as I love VBS that is just too much.

Okay, its official guys I am the future bachelorette.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone Earn the Gold Medal, and Thank you

HAPPY MONDAY.

Even though there is no such thing as a “Happy Monday” I wish you the happiest possible day today.

I rearranged my room for the first time in a bagillion years. In the process I found six plastic tiaras. I must think I am a princess. Oh wait…I am.

Okay I have seen a lot of weird commercials lately. For example: the girls on the “Always” commercials look WAY too happy to be on their period.

And all these Olympic endorsements are getting old. These athletes make me feel so out of shape.  Sometimes I think the Olympics is just a conspiracy to make fat people feel fatter and start exercising.

As everyone should know by now, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are getting divorced. I TOTALLY CALLED THIS FIVE YEARS AGO. I’m sorry, but Tom Cruise is the cheesiest person on the face of the Earth. I laughed at everything he said in Mission Impossible, NOT because it was funny, because he is just SOO cheesy. I put Tom Cruise and Justin Beiber in the, “I Can’t Believe People By This Crap” category in my brain.

I am happy for Katie Holmes though. She deserves someone much taller than Tom Cruise.

Poor Suri, she almost got sent on a cruise for Scientologists, according to People Magazine. The word on the street is Katie left Tom because of Scientology, but I think it was because she was taller than Tom. I mean it had to get awkward after a while.

I CLEANED MY CAR. Words can’t describe how horrible it was. I found five apple cores. I don’t even eat apples that much. I blame my brother. I also found a full bag of Starburst so SCORE.

This week I am working at VBS at Hope. I am the crazy volunteer that dances to all the songs and gets into all the moves and pretends like she’s Britney Spears. Yes, that is me. No shame.

I saw SpriderMan for the second time. It was just as good as the first time. I was talking to one of my friends and we were saying how bad it would be if Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield broke-up. I mean you can’t get any better than them. Anyone else would be such a disappointment…..unless it was me.

Today is my 80th blog post!!! I just want to thank every single person who has ever read my blog. I love hearing your feedback, commentating on the world, answering your questions, and most of all hopefully putting a smile on your face. Thank you. 

YOU ARE WELCOME.  

YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY PLUS SO MUCH MORE.

The last few days I have had the pleasure of educating young minds. That’s right Brooke has been working with young children.

I am a great influence.

I have actually been teaching math to 1^st and 2^nd graders. The Indian and Chinese kids in that class are really not helping the “Smart Indian and Asian” sterotype. Seriously one of the kids is doing Algebra.

In 2^nd grade I was coloring my math homework instead of actually doing it.

That obviously does not help in later life, but it was fun while it lasted.

TONIGHT IS THE BEST NIGHT OF THE ENTIRE YEAR. BIG BROTHER IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you who don’t know, Big Brother is my absolute, hands down, FAVERITE show. Some may say Big Brother is stupid. My response, you are just jealous.

I totally recommend watching Big Brother. If you are confused LET ME KNOW. I will totally explain for you.

I am going to do a YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY because I am backed up with questions, so here here go!

Also coming soon is a review!!! I am not going to tell you what it is because I don’t want to spoil the surprise. But it will be posted tomorrow or Saturday.

QUESTION TIME.

1) If a guy has every single quality of a 5 except that he is more attractive than you, does that automatically make him a 4?

Fabulous question. Yes, sadly if a guy has all the qualities to be a five and is more attractive than you he is a four. YOU WANT TO BE THE PRETTY ONE ON THE CHRISTMAS CARD.

2) Alright Brooke I've got a problem. First good news! I found a five. He's great. Tall blonde good looking (but not as much as me haha) athletic smart fluent in several languages well traveled. He's the son of my dads business partner and he's a year older then me (I'm going to be a senior in high school this fall). He sorta likes me, but lives an hour and a half away, which was bad enough but now he's going to college even further! I'm seriously going to miss him and I want him to be with me! I guess I don't know what to do!

Congrats on finding a five! You have a bit of a dilemma though :(. The question you need to ask yourself is, “Do I want a long distance relationship and is he worth it?” If it were me, I would move on. The fact is, there isn’t just one five for you. There are fives EVERYWHERE. I say, find another guy and if your five really likes you he will fight for you. Go all Hunger Games. Not really though. But seriously.

3) What is your favorite Summer trend?

 Retro sunglasses. I think I have 10 pairs. I can’t help it. I need a pair of sunglasses to go with every outfit.

4) Ryan Lochte or Michael Phelps?

WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CHOOSE????? In my fantasy I have both. So, I plead the fifth.

5) Where do shop at the most?

I hate shopping. It honestly stresses me out. I can do homework for five hours and not get stressed but if I shop for one hour I am a goner. But, I really like boutiques around town. The Hall Tree is one of my favorite boutiques. But, if you want a more mainstream store; I buy a lot of clothes from Lucky Brand. They don’t have a store in Iowa, but I think there is one in the Twin Cites and Omaha.

6) How do I get a five?

Can’t help you. I am still trying to figure that out myself.

That’s it for YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY! If you have questions on anything and everything please email them to me at brooketheblogger@aol.com I promise you will remain anonymous.

Watch Big Brother tonight!!!!!!!

YOU ARE WELCOME.

COMING SOON TO A COMPUTER NEAR YOU: The (Blank) Review

Get pumped.  

I Don't Like Fireworks

Call me crazy but I really do not like fireworks. Some people are afraid of spiders. I am not afraid of fireworks though, I just don’t like fireworks. Fireworks are loud and I spend the entire show thinking that part of the falling firework is going to fall on me and I will die. So yes, Brooke’s biggest fear is fireworks.

I thought my Grey’s Anatomy obsession was over. I was wrong. Very very wrong. I have watched five episodes in the past two days. I honestly cannot get enough of Dr. McDreamy and Dr. McSteamy.

Magic Mike changed my life. If you forget about the plot then Magic Mike is the best movie in the world. It is really a bummer for the female population that Matt Bomer is gay. The male population better be nice to him.

On top of that, Channing Tatum and Matthew McConaughey are married. IT IS JUST NOT FAIR.  I almost started crying when I figured that out.

In that one movie, what is it called……The Vow! If I was the girl and I woke up and did not remember anything and Channing Tatum told me he was my husband, I would welcome it. No questions asked.

I also saw The Amazing Spiderman last night. It was AWESOME. Everyone should go see it. Andrew Garfield is incredible. And Emma Stone is my hero.

If I was Spidergirl I would be the best. I am 99% sure I would die within three days of being Spidergirl, but I would be pretty awesome while I was alive.

I am aware that it is YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY but I am having too much fun writing this right now. So I will just be backed up next week, BUT KEEP SENDING ME QUESTIONS. To brooketheblogger@aol.com.

I made a key lime pie yesterday. My dad gave it a 9 out of 10. I know he is bias but for me to get a 9 on a culinary masterpiece is like me getting an Oscar. I think I am getting good at cooking. As long as we disregard the burnt lemon bars I made this morning. But, I am writing Betty Crocker a letter because I swear on my three legged dog that the box told me to keep the lemon bars in the oven too long. Therefore not my fault.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

 I take it back I just had one of my burnt lemon bars, they are actually pretty good.

Now, YOU ARE WELCOME. 

NBC Can Thank Me.

I am sorry for not blogging in forever I have been staring at Ryan Loche’s abs.

Now that the Men’s Swimming Olympic Trials are over I can resume my normal functions.

Some sports on the Olympics are just plain boring. I mean when Michael Phelps or Ryan Locte are not swimming I totally loose interest. I mean what is exciting about watching someone swim a few lengths of a pool.

I am pretty positive I could swim as fast as those swimmers. I placed first in my first swim race ever. I gave up right after, I peaked earlier than most.

Anyway I have discovered how to make Olympic sports more entertaining. NBC will thank me when their ratings go through the roof.

Swimming. Instead of swimming in just a normal Olympic sized swimming pool I have a better idea. I propose filling the pool with leeches, sting rays, piranhas, and electric eels. Think about how exciting it would be. Instead of just swimming, swimmers would have to navigate through the water in hopes of getting the best time and not being bit by leeches, sting rays, piranhas, and electric eels. It is pure brilliance.

Gymnastics. I propose that when someone falters on the beam three times the judges have a button; and when the judges push the button, the beam breaks in half. Therefore eliminating the gymnast from competition. The same could be done on the uneven bars. Also in Men’s Gymnastics they could just cut off one of the rings when the performance gets brutal. On floor exercise if a gymnast makes three hops they take the floor out from under them and they fall into a pit of foam blocks.

That would be kind of fun.

I think my ideas will reinvent gymnastics. Honestly, I am just helping them out. They should thank me.

I have already written about my ideas for revolutionizing track and field. Man eating dogs chasing after the runners to make them run faster. The usual.

NO ONE WILL GET HURT IN THE REINVENTED SPORTS. The man-eating dogs will disappear when they get too close. And the leeches, sting rays, piranhas, and electric eels will vanish on contact. Just the athletes won’t know that.

Anyway, I don’t see the Olympics in my future anytime soon, unless they add a “Spotting Fives” category. For that, I would win gold.

I am sending my ideas to the Olympic Committee. Just wait in four years the newest sport will be, “Extreme Swimming” and “Mind-Boggling Track”, JUST WAIT.

Have a fantasticly wonderful day.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

Magic Mike in 3D

I had a revelation yesterday. I am going to marry a Men’s Olympic Swimmer.

I would highly recommend watching the Men’s Swimming Olympic Trials.

O MY GOSH. I don’t really care about the swimming. I am just looking at their muscles. There are no words to describe how ripped a Men’s Olympic swimmer is. No words.

I need to figure out where these guys train. I am totally moving there.

It is way too hot out. TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE 100 DEGREES. THAT IS NOT NATURAL. I play tennis during the day and it is way TOO hot for me to function. Literally and figuratively.

I am probably going too faint on the spot when Magic Mike starts. I don’t understand why Magic Mike is not in 3D. FOR REAL??????? Just think how great it would be if Magic Mike was in 3D. I would be like petting the air, whenever Channing Tatum takes his shirt off. It would be fantastic.

My parents have had their iPhones for four months now.

Total number of songs on my Dad’s iPod: 0.

He doesn't understand the concept of iTunes.

Total number of songs on my Mom’s iPod: 1.

What song?? Rolling in the Deep. That’s right; my Mother has Rolling in the Deep on repeat.

I am not quite sure why random words are being highlighted on my blog. I think I accidently downloaded something when I was trying to watch Dance Moms last week. So I will work on that. Another Brooke problem.

Have a great time watching Men’s Olympic Swimming!!!!!!!

YOU ARE WELCOME.

Justin Beiber and I shop at the same store

I watched the Justin Beiber All Around the World show the last two nights. I honestly have never seen anything so cheesy. I spent half the show laughing and the other half in disbelief that people actually buy what he says.

I think Justin Beiber and I share a similar taste in sweat pants. I swear I have the same pair in my room.

I think Justin Beiber possibly shops at Forever 21 because I am 99.9% sure that I have the exact same hoody he was wearing at his Mexico show. I could be wrong, maybe he shops from a very feminine like masculine store.

Lately I have noticed a trend coming back with men. 

The return of the sagging pants. 

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONE. I honestly do not see what is so attractive with men being unable to pull their pants up. It seems like something SO simple. I mean I learned that pants are supposed to cover your underwear in preschool. And I was not the brightest preschooler. 

One Direction and Justin Beiber has this problem. PULL YOUR PANTS UP. No one wants to see your underwear.

You would think with all the money these artists make they could at least buy a pair of pants that actually fits and maybe if they are feeling adventurous, buy a belt.

Dear Male Population,

            

      Please do the world a favor and pull your pants up.

With Love,

The Female Population

I MISSED YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY!!!!Sorry I was making a pie. Not joking with the help of a friend it actually tastes pretty decent.

If you were a celebrity, who would you be and why?

I would be Meryl Streep. She is so classy and fantastic kind of like myself.

How many times a day do you fall up the stairs?

This is funny, because the I always try to run up the stairs by skipping like four steps at a time, and I usually fall at least two times a day.

What is your dream car?

A yellow Ferrari. I would look like Angelina Jolie in a yellow ferrai.

How many people have you taken out with your color guard flag?

A lot. I don’t trust myself with heavy equipment. I don’t mean to be so clumsy, I think its genetic.

Do you shower in the morning or at night?

During the school year I shower at night. I wake up 15 minutes before I go to school, I have no time to shower. But because it is the summer I shower whenever I feel the need to.

What do you do to your hair in the morning?

If my hair is falling flat, which usually is not the case, I put some random product in my hair to give it some flair. Other than that I don’t have to do much because it is short.

These are all personal questions, not our own issues, but are they still acceptable? Cause we would like answers.

I have no secrets.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

It took me 55. Pretty impressive.

SENT YOUR QUESTIONS TO brooketheblogger@aol.com

YOU ARE WELCOME.