#PeeingInMyPants

Congrats 2012 graduates! If I missed your graduation party I sincerely apologize, I still love you and good luck wherever you are going. And show all your new friends my blog!!

I am going to ask myself the same question I asked myself yesterday, “Brooke, why are you blogging right now? GO STUDY.”

I still have not answered that question.

I had a revelation last night sea food restaurants have the best chicken fingers. Who would have thought?????

Twitter is one of the weirdest things in the world. For those of you who don’t have a twitter, on twitter they have these things called trends. It is when someone for example tweets, #ILoveMyMom if like a bagillion people tweet #ILoveMyMom then it is “trending”

I have seen a lot of weird trends lately. For example,

#RIPJustinBeiber – HE IS NOT DEAD. WHY WOULD ANYONE TWEET THAT???? I don’t know about you but if someone was tweeting #RIPBrooke I would question their sanity.

#SelenaIsAreFavorite – If Selena Gomez is your favorite, it is time for you to be exposed to culture.

#WeAreReadyToDieInYourArms – Someone has watched The Notebook one too many times. 

#DemiIsDifferent - Why Disney stars keep trending? I bet they are paying Twitter. Yep they are paying Twitter. Who would tweet about Demi Lovato? Case closed. 

Okay whoever is starting this stuff needs to get a hobby. Try mini-golfing or looking for fives. 

If you have a twitter and participate in these crazy trends, I pray for you. And just know, I am judging you.

Im response to these crazy trends I am going to start my own trends such as:

#IAmOnTwitterNow

#PeeingInMyPants

#FatandProud

#WhatIsAHashtag

#CallingMyMom

#InTheBathroom

#InTheKitchen

This is fun.

If you have a twitter, I challenge you to start the trends above, and then post a link to my blog.

#YOUAREWELCOME

Twitter- @BloggingBrooke

Questions- brooketheblogger@aol.com

WHY AM I BLOGGING RIGHT NOW?

I should be studying for finals but I am blogging instead.

Sorry, I am not sorry.

Yesterday I had another Brooke moment. During lunch some people at my table were talking about how much money the make a week. This is how the conversation went down.

Person 1: I make around one fifty a week

Brooke: Seriously???? Only one fifty a week. That is crap.

Person 1: No it is actually pretty good.

Brooke: Is that legal?? $1.50 a week????!!! That is below minimum wage!!

Person 1: Brooke, $150.00 a week not $1.50.

Brooke: Oh….

There was my Brooke moment.

In my defense I had five tests on Friday. My brain was literally fried. I came home and took a five hour nap.

If I could go back in time I would tell my 4-year-old self to embrace napping. But, my four-year-old self would not listen. At least some things never change.

My dog has a cone. You know the type of cones they put around dogs necks. Yep. He is working the cone. I think he has a potential career in cone modeling. Proud owner right here.

It is too bad though. He gets his cone off next week. Blitzen, my dog got the cone because he had surgery on his paw and proceeded tear out the stiches after surgery. Alas, Blitzen is forced to wear a cone so he does not tear out his stiches again. Still a proud owner.

I wish I could work a cone like Blitzen.

I really should be studying for French right now. Je ne parle pas francais. (I do not speak French)

I am going to need a miracle in order to get a B in that class. Luckily I believe in miracles. Without miracles I would not probably be dead right now, due to my driving habits.

Shout out to the Collaborative Writing in Language Arts class I hope you like learning about blogging!  Send me questions!!

QUESTIONS??? brooketheblogger@aol.com LET ME SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

The Summer Resolution List of Champions.

My life is a constant battle between doing my homework and reducing the urge to throw on my swimsuit and run around outside.

It is too nice out for me to be doing homework and studying for finals.

I have been seeing a lot of “Summer Resolution Lists” around.

Honestly, I never do those. As soon as I make a resolution no matter how easy it is I will break it.

For example:

1)      Sleep in till noon every day.

I will wake up at eight every day. I guarantee it.

2)      Grow my hair out really long.

No. The longest my hair has ever gotten is to my shoulders. And that lasted literally four months. I am going to be hipster and say, “SHORT HAIR DON’T CARE.”

3)      Eat healthy and get in shape.

I have better things to do. Healthy food is overrated. And I don’t run.  Just eat Doritos. I like to think I am a success story when it comes to eating Doritos.

4)      Watch movies really late.

Nope, not going to happen. I will fall asleep. Not joking. Last weekend I started watching some action movie at ten with a room full of people. This girl right here fell asleep. DURING AN ACTION MOVIE. I honestly do not know how that is possible.

Yes, I am that girl at sleepovers that gets drawn on because I am the first one to fall asleep. And I am the girl who says questionable things to you if you are still going on about your significant other at three in the morning. I LIKE MY SLEEP.

Call me an old lady if you want. I am going to be hipster with this one too, “LIKES TO SLEEP. DOESN’T CARE.”

You are all just jealous. How do you think I stay so attractive?? I need my beauty sleep.

The Glee Season finale it tonight. If Blaine and Kurt break-up I will find the writers of Glee and I will start a revolution. You think I’m joking.

Don’t party too hard.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

Running for Dummies

My brother just texted me, “Keep Calm and Look For Fives” coolest brother ever.

I ran the mile today. I am not a runner. I prefer to power walk. I honestly think I walk faster than I run. Let’s just be honest people, NO ONE LOOKS CUTE WHEN THEY RUN. NO ONE. You might think you look cute, you don’t.

Sorry the truth hurts.

My running is basically walking fast with a slight hop in my step. That is what I call running. I totally recommend it, and to add greater effect just move your arms back and forth faster than your legs are moving. Your arms give the allusion that you are actually running fast. I swear it is the greatest thing I have come up with.

Okay Aresino won The Celebrity Apprentice?????!!!??? FOR REAL DONALD TRUMP??? REALLY?? I used to respect you. Just know Mr. Trump, I will be your boss someday and you will be the one getting fired.

Potato chips are so mean. You really can’t just eat one. It is literally impossible. If you can I have a lot of respect for you.

When Adam Levine sings “Harder to Breath” I have troubles breathing. I am on the floor dying. Adam Levine is a four. He is more attractive than me.

Just ate another potato chip. I need to stop. Nope ate another one. I feel bad. But I really don’t. I need self-control.

I would say have a Happy Monday, but that is not really possible.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

An Interview with a Self-Proclaimed Five

The moment you have all been waiting for has come. An interview with a Self-Proclaimed Five: Sam.

First we are going to go through the requirements to be a five and see if Sam meets them. Then Sam will answer the questions you asked.

To recap, a five is the highest possible rating on the Ranking System of Brooke scale. The following are requirements to be a five:

IF YOU ARE A FIVE:

· Think Prince Harry.FIVES MUST BE LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN YOU.

· Awesome car

· ACT- 36 SAT- 2400

· Amazing job

· Fluently speaks three languages

· Gets above 80% on the name compatibility test

· Has hidden talents

· Hilarious

Is Sam less attractive than you?

Look in the mirror and decide.

Does Sam have an awesome car? I asked him.

Can you drive? Yes. Driving forward, I would consider myself an excellent driver. Driving backward, I am an awful driver. I have backed into cars multiple times and have backed into my garage door.

Would you classify your car as awesome? No... I would classify it as extremely awesome.

Does your car have a name? No. Words or names can't describe the illustrious beauty of my car, which I spent about an hour and a half deep cleaning tonight. It is shiny. And it smells good.

Have you ever received any tickets or been in a crash? No tickets. The only thing you could classify as a crash would be the above information about backing into parked cars. But nothing involving another moving vehicle. And when I did back into cars, the damage was not severe.

Noted.

What did Sam get on his ACT or SAT? I asked him.

ACT or SAT score? ACT 36

Didn't see that one coming. Noted.

Does Sam have a job? I asked him.

Have you solved world hunger? I have not. However, I will be doing research in Mexico for two months this summer at the research center (CIMMYT) where Dr. Norman Borlaug developed a new wheat variety that saved over one billion people's lives. So I'm working on this one.

Noted.

Here lies the deal-breaker can Sam speak three languages? I recently learned that only 10% of the world can speak three languages.

How many languages do you speak? 3.5: English, Music, Romance, and somewhat Spanish (something which I hope to perfect this summer). Yes, music is a language. Yes, romance is a language. Check my Facebook, and you will see this is true.

I am not so sure about this “romance” language I have not seen it in action. Noted.

Does Sam get above 80% on the name compatibility test.?

This is for you at home. Type in Sam’s name and see what it gets with your name.

Does Sam have hidden talents?  I asked him.

What are some hidden talents that you hide to the public? I like to make videos. Most people don't know that. I also make the world's best homemade mac and cheese. I have a well-guarded secret that makes it delicious. And no, it's not your typical mac and cheese. It is classy as heck.

I want to try this mac and cheese. For all I know it could just be from a box. But, noted.

Finally is Sam hilarious? I asked him.

On a scale of 1-10 how hilarious are you? Can I really judge myself on hilarity? I suppose I'm about a 7 or 8? Depends whom you ask? This question stresses me out.

I asked ten anonymous people on a scale of one to ten how hilarious was Sam? The average score was 7.5. Noted.

The time has come, for me to rank Sam. I am not going to lie when I finished reading the interview I was a little shocked. COULD IT BE TRUE????

Congratulations Sam, I Brooke proclaim you, Sam a five.

You are now in an elite group of people. If I were you I would put this on your resume. Barak Obama is a three. You have something on the president.

Now that I have proclaimed Sam a five let’s get to know him a little better.

How old are you? 18 AND A HALF

If you didn’t know how old you were how old would you be? 22 AND A HALF

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Living in another country doing plant research.

What do you look for in a significant other? I prefer to not ever have to look inside of a person. That's kinda creepy. Unless I'm a doctor doing surgery. But I guess I would prefer that my significant other has organs and stuff.

How long has it taken you to become a five? 17 years.

Do you believe in Santa Claus? I believe that the Santa Clauses at the mall exist. However, I'm afraid to say I don't believe in one single Jolly Old Saint Nicholas who plops out of chimneys and sneakily distributes gifts.

Coke or Pepsi? I don't drink pop/soda. Last time I had any was before sixth grade. Not because I don't like it... I do. I would just prefer that my stomach not be eaten away and would prefer to not be obese.

Has The Ranking Scale of Brooke helped you become a better person? Of course. It has shown me the path to becoming as excellent as I can be.

Would you recommend males everywhere use The Ranking System of Brooke to be the best person they can be? Anyone who doesn't recommend The Ranking System is crazy.

If you were a female would you like Prince Harry or Prince William? I really don't know whom either of them are... So this is difficult for me to say. However, I know that Brooke likes Prince Harry, so I'm going to trust her judgment and go with Prince Harry.

What are your thoughts on Kate Middleton? She's married to an English royalty dude. That's about all I know. Oh and I have a coffee cup with her face on it. Our family received it as a gift. Don't judge.

Favorite Kardashian and why? I can only name one, because I don't know any of the other ones, and that one person is Kim. So I guess Kim is my favorite. And my least favorite. And everything in between.

Wow. A five. Less than one percent of the male population are fives, so if you are not in a state of shock like I am right now, you’re not human.

A FIVE EXISTS.

Dating Service for Males

A Daily Brooke Problem occurred last night.

My email was hacked.

IF YOU HACKED MY EMAIL I AM ON TO YOU.

The hacker sent emails to everyone I have sent emails to in the last five years. The emails included “How to Get Rich From Home” to “Dating Services for Males”.

The definition of awkward: Going into a class with a teacher that has been sent a spam email from you that contains a link to a “Dating Service for Males”.

If you thought you had rough day. I hope this put things into perspective.

Funny story, this Sunday I thought it was the season finale of The Celebrity Apprentice. So I got everything done in advance so I could devote my entire night to the show. IT WASN”T THE FINALE. The word disappointed comes to mind.

Same thing happened last night. I thought it was the season finale of Glee. Nope. Next week is. How does this keep happening to me??? On a side note, if Blaine and Kurt break-up next week I will find the writer of Glee and I will start a revolution.

I heard “Starships” last night. WHAT HAVE I BEEN MISSING?? It is seriously Sensai and I’s theme song right now.

I am embarrassed to say I have three One Direction songs on my iPod. I couldn’t help it. I think someone hypnotized me into buying them and then listening to them on repeat. It could not have been me. Never.

You know it is the end of school when you only have one pen that works and you start playing more Solitare in class than actually paying attention.

Don’t get hacked.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

TAKE MY DORITOS AND I TAKE YOU.

My parents keep getting emails from my school regarding the “Nutrition Items” I have purchased. I can say one thing with complete confidence I have purchased nothing nutritious from the lunch room this year.

My dad keeps asking me, “How many bags of Doritos do you buy in a week?” I would like to say for the record, Doritos are nutritious. 

Last time I checked cheese was a protein.

This “Healthy Kids Act” is a load of garbage. Instead of curving my “unhealthy” Dorito addiction I instead spend more money buying several bags of reduced fat Doritos in order to get the same feeling of the normal Doritos.

My conclusion the “Healthy Kids Act” is a conspiracy to get children to spend more money and get America out of the recession. I might be a genius.

I AM ON TO YOU WASHINGTON. I WANT REAL DORITOES BACK AND I WON’T REST UNTIL I GET THEM.

Bring it on. Have you ever tried to tear a fat kid away from their Doritos?? Didn’t think so. They would sit on you and win.

In other news, I have a funny Sensai story to report.

The other day I was getting ready to leave the Valley parking lot when I turned on my car and it did not start. Instead of trying again I jammed to some One Direction music forgetting about the fact that my engine was not on.

Once the One Direction song ended I put my car in reverse ready to pull out. My car did not move. I started freaking out and tried to take the keys out of Sensai and start again. THE KEYS WOULD NOT COME OUT.

I called my Dad freaking out practically in tears yelling, “MY CAR WON’T WORK!! I AM STUCK IN THE VALLEY PARKING LOT!!!” My Dad has become accustomed to me calling with car problems so my hysterical mood did not seem to faze him.

When my Dad got to the parking lot, he looked at my car and said one thing, “You can’t turn your car on because you are still in reverse.”

MY DAD DROVE 10 MINUTES TO TELL ME I WAS IN REVERSE SO I COULD NOT DRIVE. 

MOST EMBRASSING MOMENT EVER.

There you go folks, Your Daily Brooke Problem.

Remember keep your car in park.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

I CAN'T STOP EATING.

I am still eating. What is wrong with me??

Behold a list of all the food I have consumed today:

1)      One bag on Doritos

2)      Sugar cookie

3)      Salmon

4)      5 Croutons

5)      Pasta and tomato sauce

6)      Three chicken fingers

7)      One croissant

8)      Beef

9)      Ice cream sundae w/ Oreos, gummy bears, and strawberries

10)   Apple crisp

11)   Doritos

12)   Turkey sandwich

13)   Pizza bread

I did not think it was that bad. O dear God, I am going to be sent to the Biggest Loser Ranch.

I have this strange feeling that my clothes are going to feel a little tighter tomorrow.

I need to work out. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD SHOWS ON TONIGHT.

I am seriously considering popping a bag of popcorn. Say no Brooke. Say no.

Oops.

14)   Popcorn

I have no self-control when it comes to food.

I have not been blogging because the J-Dog himself is back on his home turf. Aka my brother. The two of us have been eating together and staring at each other while we eat.

I really do not think I am going to make it to the end of school. I have summer fever. All I want to do is watch documentaries on Netflix and get rid of my farmers tan.

Working out should be as painless as eating. If someone figures that out I will be there best friend and again I require 25% of profits because I thought of it.

THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE SEASON FINALE IS ON.

My brother just told me I remind him of Aubrey on the Celebrity Apprentice. For a second I thought she was a porn star and I was a little offended. BUT SHE IS NOT. She is a pop star. I can’t sing. But apparently I am creative and smart like her. I don’t know about that, at least Aubrey is not a porn star.

I should be on The Celebrity Apprentice. I would win. Shout out to Donald Trump I am the next winner. Pick me and all your rating dreams will come true. I would be perfect on T.V.

Finally, Happy Mother’s Day to my Mama Bear. To those who don’t know my mother you should know my Mama Bear is like me on steroids. And apparently everyone thinks we look like twins. Which is a tad bit offending she is 50 I am 16. I really hope I don’t look like a 50-year-old.

15)   Six grapes

I need to stop.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

WHAT BOY SCOUTS DOESN'T TEACH YOU.

In some situations in life survival skills are needed. Boy Scouts can teach you some things but I can teach you more.

I am going to teach you what Boy Scouts doesn’t teach you.

When confronted by a moose you are supposed to become as big as you possibly can.

NO. That moose is totally going to kill you. Instead I recommend calling your mother and running in the opposite direction.

In order to keep mountain lions away you are supposed to wear a loud bell to scare the mountain lion off.

NO. I would personally bring your iPod and dance to Lady Gaga during your nature walk. Who knows, maybe the mountain lion will join in and you will have yourself a new friend.

When encountered by a wolf you are supposed to avoid eye contact and act submissive.

NO. Look the wolf in the eyes so the wolf can see what he is messing with. The wolf will obviously be intimidated and walk away.

When a bear is about to eat you, Boy Scouts recommends you to lie on the ground in a fetal position.

NO. NEVER. Instead this IS THE MOST IMPORTANT SURVIVAL SKILL OF ALL. When encountered by ANY wild animal who is about to eat you. YOU MUST drop your pants and pee where you are standing. MARK YOUR TERRITORY.

For example, when you are going to the bathroom and you walk into a stall with pee in the porcelain throne I bet that you turn around and find a new stall.  When someone marks there territory NO ONE messes with it.

Just pee where your standing and the animal will turn around.

I have just saved you all from ever dying in the wilderness.

YOU ARE WELCOME.  

The Slushie Review

Something weird is happening. I have accomplished all my homework before noon. What is going on?? It is a really weird feeling being productive.

Today I am doing SOLVING THE WORLD PROBLEMS SATURDAY.

Sunglass tan lines. I wear sunglasses all the time. I do not think it is healthy to have 10 pairs of sunglasses. The problem with sunglasses is I get these really hideous tan lines when I wear them. But I have to wear them or my vision will become impaired by the blinding light.

Solution: Create sunglasses that reflect sunlight at your face, while avoiding the eye. So you get a tan around your eye even though the eye is still covered by the sunglasses. I challenge all the building people out there to get to work. I require 25% of the profits.

Alarms. Every time my alarm clock goes off in the morning I envision throwing it and beating it with a machete. The weird thing is when I do not need to wake up early I always wake up at seven. But when I need to wake up for school at seven I can’t move.

My poor dad has the honor of making sure I move in the morning. I say some questionable things to him when he wakes me up. In my defense I am half asleep. Anyone who is able to get me up in the morning I have a LOT of respect for.

Solution: Make a law that says allows it to be illegal to do anything before eight. That is genius. I am sending a letter to my Senator.

This week I also missed YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY. I will be skipping this week. I will answer your questions on Thursday. Feel free to send me your problems. I will keep you anonymous. Send to brooketheblogger@aol.com

If you have not had the chicken bacon ranch pizza at Pizza Ranch, you have not lived. OMG my life changed. I had a similar experience when I had the Dorrito Locos taco for the first time.

I am so happy Rachel failed her audition last week on Glee. I am sorry I know it is mean but I personally think show biz is not for her. I think she should become a nun or something.

Okay so I am proud to tell you all that I have discovered where to get the best slushies in Des Moines. Sensai and I have been stopping at just about everywhere in Des Moines that offers slushies. Behold a list of my Slushie review.

Casey’s

WHAT IS GOING ON?? There slushies are really chucky and melt very quickly. By the time you are able to sit and enjoy your slushie it has melted already. Sensai hates them. I accidently spilled a Casey’s slushie all over the passenger’s seat of Sesai.

BP

I wanted to cry. It was the worst slushie I have ever had. Honestly it was like someone pushed the crushed button on the ice machine and then they just poured some food coloring on the ice. It was a disgrace to the slushie.

Sonic

FANTASTIC. They have tons of flavors. The slushies do not melt super-fast. The one down fall was Sonic has horrible service. They get a F. I waited for 15 minutes for the slushie. NOT COOL.

Kun and Go

THE BEST SLUSHIES IN THE WORLD ARE FOUND AT KUM AND GO. I cannot describe how happy I was when Sensai and I discovered Kum and Go slusheis. I almost cried. The ice is blended to perfection. I can get a 42oz for less than a dollar. The flavors make my heart cry out in happiness. CHERRY, BLUE RASBERRY, ORANGE, AND MOUNTAIN DEW. WHAT MORE CAN A GIRL ASK FOR???? Other than a five, of course. Go to Kum and Go. Your life will change.

Have a great Sunday. Enjoy the nice weather; I am trying to get a tan. Nope I already turned red. And I have a hot sunglass tan line.

YOU ARE WELCOME. 

I Have a Rain Forest Growing on my Legs

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO.

I honor of Cinco De Mayo my dad and I went to On the Border. I got kids chicken fingers. Mexican restaurants have the best chicken fingers. I would know. I am a take-out connoisseur.

I was thinking recently my dad and I spend a lot of time together. We watch chick flicks and action movies together. I have become incredibly versatile with movies. He is my tennis coach. We watch politics together. 

We argue over cleaning together. We argue over history together. We dance to One Direction together. We sing Bon Jovi together. We walk my dogs together. This is getting really long. I need to spend less time with my dad.

The funny thing is my dad and I are polar opposites. He doesn’t talk. I have a big mouth. He is 6’2. I am 5’4 and ¾. He is organized. I can’t even see the floor in my room. He can cook. I keep my sweaters in the oven. You get the gist.

The best part about my dad is he embraces the fact that I am going to be a trophy wife when I grow up. He does not convince me otherwise. His response is always, “Go for your dream. If you are not passionate about it you won’t be successful. ” But his face is always priceless when I tell him I am rethinking becoming a trophy wife and instead becoming a professional belly dancer.

I have been to Pizza Ranch twice in the last two days. I am questioning if my clothes are going to fit on Monday.

I JUST BURNT PASTA. I did not even know you could burn pasta. I was watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta so I could not just get up and leave the show to check on the pasta. Seriously it was gross. I have no idea how to get the pasta off the bowl so I am just going to leave it and see if it falls off on its own.  I will let you know how it works.

 I am ashamed to tell all of you I am listening to One Direction right now. I am sorry. In my defense 4/5 of One Direction is attractive.

My brother comes home Wednesday. I probably should move all my crap out of his room. And I probably clean Sensai. J-Dog aka my brother and I share Sensai. We will see how this works. I will be doing most of the driving. I got a 76% in Drivers Ed I think that makes me qualified.

Now that the weather is nice I have to begin shaving my legs again. UGH. Seriously I shaved for the first time in ages about a week ago. I literally had a rainforest growing on my legs.

The problem with shaving is it takes FOREVER. I have things to do. For example I would rather spend my time in the shower: Daydreaming about my wedding to my future five, thinking about cleaning my room, thinking about studying for finals, realizing how behind I am on studying for finals, and then running out of the shower screaming about how I am going to fail all my finals. It is exhausting. Thus, I have no time to shave.

Vienna by Billy Joel just came of my iPod. I am going to have to walk away for a moment.

So I was looking through prom pictures the other day and Best Dressed goes to the best tennis manager ever. You know who you are.

Speaking of tennis that is why I have been behind on blogging. Once tennis and school is over, I have a whole list of segments of blogs I am going to do. I AM PUMPED. I just need to pass French first.

I feel like at the end of the year teachers just pile on the homework. WHAT IS THIS?? Teachers have all year to give us all this homework BUT instead they pile the homework when I am not totally in the classroom.

I played 50 games of solitaire in one day at school.  My excuse is I am building my logic skills.

I broke my flip flop at school the other day. I stapled it. KEEPING IT CLASSY.

Have a great Cinco De Mayo!!!!

YOU ARE WELCOME.