Etiquette You Should Know

TODAY is Thursday and I have no questions. Instead of answering questions I am going write about etiquette. Behold eight small pieces of etiquette you should have down by the time you are 16.

1)     Seriously, chewing with your mouth open. I do not care if you want to stuff yourself with God knows what. BUT when you start showing me the mass of food on your tongue, while you are talking to me. WE HAVE A PROBLEM. Solution: Multi-task, chew and keep your mouth closed AT THE SAME TIME. I swear it is revolutionary.

2)      If I am talking to you and your phone creeps out of your pocket and you start texting. WE HAVE A PROBLEM. What happened to eye contact?? Unless it is a life or death situation I think your phone can stay in your pocket a little longer.  

3)      I do not want to see your butt crack. Pull up your pants. Thank you.

4)      If you are of a certain size, maybe it is time to put the tight shirts away. That is all I need to say about that.

5)      WHAT HAPPENED TO OPENING THE DOOR FOR PEOPLE?? I say we bring that back. If one more person shuts a door in my face I am going to instruct them to read this blog.

6)      No one wants to hear you talk about “how high you got last night” Please stop. You do not look cool. And my response to you will always be the same, “ I am going to be your boss someday”

7)      When you are walking in a public place, YOU WALK. In places such as: mall, schools, churches, theaters, etc. DO NOT STOP in the middle of the hallway. If you want to have your conversation please move it to the side.

8)      Do not push me in the hallways. I will push back, and a promise you a backpack with three textbooks will hurt.

 If you can follow these simple pieces of etiquette I will be your best friend. You are welcome.

BTW: If you have questions you want me to answer email me at, beattybrooke@aol.com. ALSO BECOME A MEMBER. 60 SPOTS LEFT FOR ALL THE PARTIES WHEN THIS BLOG GETS FAMOUS.

HOW TO PASS ALL YOUR FINALS

YOUR GUIDE TO AN AMAZING FINALS WEEK   

Sorry I have not blogged in awhile. I have been writing essays about horses that are not very pretty. You know what sucks? Finals. The following is my philosophy on finals.

1)      Teachers only give finals because they want to see how much I was not paying any attention to them.

2)      Before every final YOU MUST intake your body weight in food

3)      Stay up until two studying. The “get a good night sleep” is overrated.

4)      Eat lots of Chinese food. Asians are smart. They eat rice. Therefore if you eat rice. You will get good grades. IT WORKS.

5)      Do not blog when you should be studying.

6)      Set low goals. Such as, “I WANT A C+” *take test* “I GOT AN A-!!!!” *extremely happy*

7)      Take Film Appreciation Analysis

8)      Wear lucky socks. (PERSONALLY I USE THE SOCKS THAT I HAVE NOT WASHED IN AWHILE)

9)      I already said this. BUT I CANNOT STRESS IT ENOUGH. Eat Chinese food. Eat so much that HyVee will run out of rice. And crab ragoons. I know crab ragoons are not “authentic” Chinese food. Honestly, get over yourself.

I am only doing 9 things to remember about finals. Ten is cliche. I hope everyone passes their finals. REMEMBER if you follow my philosophy you will be awesome. Because I said so. My friends, you are welcome.

REMEMBER FIRST 100 MEMBERS GET INVITED TO ALL THE PARTIES. BECOME A MEMBER or you will fail all your finals. I am just kidding. No really you will fail. I am kidding. No really you will fail. I am kidding. I NEED TO STUDY FOR MATH. (INSERT ANGRY WORD HERE)

YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY!

YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY!

            Today’s blog is question and answer. The following are questions I received and my answers to them. Behold greatness.

1)Why does glue not stick to itself on the inside of a bottle?  I happen to be an expert on glue. Inside glue bottles everywhere are villages of glue people. And when you use glue on your little Sunday school crafts the glue people die. Moral of the story, don’t kill glue people and use double-sided tape.

2)Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Honestly, I think they should blend meat and animal crackers together the make an “authentic animal cracker”. And then feed the “authentic animal cracker” to vegetarians and see what they do. No offense vegetarians.

3)What do you do when an endangered animal eats only endangered plants?  Leave them alone. Let them kill each other. Survival of the fittest. You could make a show about that on Animal Planet.

4)What do you think of Rock the Caucus? I think it is just wrong that I was not invited. JUST WRONG. I should have been interviewed by the Arabs. I could have told the world about my blog. 

Those are all the questions I have received so far. Every Thursday is going to be YOU ASKED IT THURSDAY. So now you know why glue does not stick to the bottle, if vegetarians should eat animal crackers, if endangered animals should eat endangered plants, and finally what I think of Rock the Caucus. Take my brilliant opinion out into the world. YOUR WELCOME.

BTW: AGAIN FIRST 100 MEMBERS GET INVITED TO ALL THE PARTIES WHEN THIS BLOG GETS FAMOUS. YOU CAN BECOME A MEMBER BY CLICKING “JOIN THIS SITE” ON THE RIGHT. IT IS FREE.

How to Rid Your Home of Campaign Callers

Up until a week ago my house was averaging five campaign calls a night. Then something amazing happened. The caucuses ended. And I discovered how to effectively stop the campaign callers from calling my house. Behold a list of possible conversations ideas to rid campaign callers from your phone.

Beat the Child

Caller: I am calling on behalf of amazing (deranged), Rick Perry.

You: One second, let me go beat my child. (BACKGROUND NOISE IS YOU SCREAMING, TO ADD EFFECT GET YOUR DOG TO BARK CRAZILY)

Caller: (dial tone)

            It works. I tried it with Rick Perry. Never received another call.

I Love My Lizard

Caller: I am calling on behalf of the revolutionary (ancient) Ron Paul.

You: One second let me go milk my lizard. (BACKGROUND NOISE IS YOU MAKING SLURPING NOISES)

Caller: (dial tone)

            Not as effective as Beat the Child. But, it gets the job done.

I Have a lot of Feelings

Caller: I am calling on behalf of the great (lunatic) Rick Santorum.

You: (Recount the story of Gone with the Wind, but replace the lead girl or man, depending on your gender, with yourself. Do this in a modern sense. And be sure to be contemplating suicide. THAT IS CRUCIAL. Also The Titanic and Casablanca are also great movies for scaring away campaign callers.

Caller: I really do not know what to say.

            I Have a lot of Feelings works really well. And is quite fun. Pretending to be a suicidal girl with a lot of emotions, who doesn’t want to do that??

           

           

Sadly, the caucuses are over. But, do not fret. The campaign callers will return. But, you have been armed with a powerful weapon. The weapon of surprise. YOUR WELCOME.

BTW: First 100 members of my blog are invited to all the parties when this blog gets famous.

The Ranking System of Brooke

Call me messed up. But I rank guys on a 1 to 5 scale. It is extremely effective. My ranking assures that I will never be stuck with one of the following: stalkers, alcoholics, druggies, workaholics, hobos, losers, clean freaks, closeted gays, and creeps.

After you have gotten to know guys simply just apply them to the system and you will know if he is worth your time. I will now proceed to give you the requirements to be a one, two, three, four and a five.





IF YOUR “MAN” IS A ONE:

· Someone who tried No Shave November but….it didn’t work out.

· Compare your “man” to Ron Paul. Does Ron Paul look like a supermodel next to your “man”? If so, your “man” is a one.

· If your friend asks, “So what does your boyfriend think of you? Do you have good chemistry?” and you respond with, “I don’t know…he doesn’t really talk.” That is not a good sign. Not good at all.

· Only speaks one language

· ACT score of 15 or lower. SAT score lower than 1100



IF YOUR “MAN” IS A TWO:

· Most people in high school. If the love of your life is in high school then even if he is drop dead gorgeous he is a two. The moment your “man” leaves high school I would be more than happy to reassess him.

· Put a picture of your “man” next to Ashton Kutcher with that dreadful beard he has; and if Ashton Kutcher is more attractive then your “man” behold a two.

· Speaks one language, and fluent in text. Lame.

· 3.2 GPA or lower



IF YOUR “MAN” IS A THREE:

· He is semi attractive. Think Barrack Obama.

· Average test scores

· Average job

· Average car

· No real talents

· Small group of friends

· Speaks fluently two languages

·

IF YOUR “MAN” IS A FOUR:

· Think Brad Pitt. A four is more attractive than you. That is why you aim for fives. So you can be the pretty one on the Christmas cards

· Good car

· ACT- 29-35 SAT- 2100- 2300

· Speaks fluently two languages and semi fluent in a third

· Has a big group of friends

· Funny





IF YOUR “MAN” IS A FIVE!!!!!!

· Think Prince Harry.FIVES MUST BE LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN YOU.

· Awesome car

· ACT- 36 SAT- 2400

· Amazing job

· Fluently speaks three languages

· Gets above 80% on the name compatibility test

· Has hidden talents

· Hilarious



A quick note, not every guy in high school is a two. THERE IS ALWAYS AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE. Stick to the system and you will never be stuck with one of the following: stalkers, alcoholics, druggies, workaholics, hobos, losers, clean freaks, closeted gays, and creeps. YOUR WELCOME.